David Goggins YOU CANT HURT ME

It serves me to have this place to let my thoughts fall out and have a place to land all gathered with out the spillage blown freely to the winds. So I am coming back here. And not telling anyone.

Pssssst. Except my soul.

I am back. I am here. HERE I AM!!! There is SOOOO much of me now. 182 pounds of soft and new and old and happy and scared. Oddly,  this abundance feels.

Who knew? There are feelings begging to have words to release them. There are soul surprising dreams figuring their way into manifestation. There is LOVE. And MORE LOVE WANTED.

The energies of the OLD are fighting with the fuzzy energy of the new.  Is it the David Goggins way of fighting past your mind daily and DOING the things you know you are going to hate....or is it the Mike Neil way-who proudly admits taking the Syd Banks way---ONLY DO what lights you up. And then there is the obvious...it can be BOTH. Can it?

The snow is wanting shoveling on the walks. Its end of month and there are women hoping I am showing up to assist them to a new rank. I am going to the hot tub...THEN I will strap on my get er done. Hmmmm.  Love me some "&".  #you can't hurt me

 The Eclipse with Tina Hall and her FABULOUS FAMILY!!!! SOOOO MUCH LOVE!!! ---Florida friend from High School Days....who would have guessed that we would have spent a day and night together over 35 years later??? The GODS LOVE ME!!! And she boiled a Southern FEAST!! There was massive crab legs, lobster and kilbasa sausage too!

August 25, 2017

It's been a year.

Hello NEW NATALIE.

I am laughing. NEW NATALIE??  I see maybe I'm not so NEW after all--as I read thru my last post. Fear. And wanting to be loved. Still the headliner on my LIVE show.

Another year of FEAR done. And another year of LOVING passed. I have FEARED DEEP and LOVED HARD.  Memorably, for all the eternities. The trembling for both is real and visible. Thank you. Just THANK YOU to every "one", everything, every situation, every delight, every problem figured and those still NOT figured, every new understanding digested and application attempted.... every every.

I want to put ALL the names on BOTH--the FEARS and the LOVES-- in gratitude and frustration.  It feels like I would be disrespecting sacred ground if I did. I won't name specific people's names.

Soooooo....since last August:I have seen an ECLIPSE in TOTALITY. I have seen a BABY BORN LIVE xxooxx. I survived winter in Logan, Utah  all the while  re-falling in love with my little brothers---so crazy mad in love with them and HOW they love and show up for me.  Missed my hot tub TERRIBLY. Wondered if the world might consider a female president whose only qualifications are STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT (I kind of remember parliamentary procedure) and my motherhood. I have felt helpless as an American citizen. I kept my insurance as it was raised from $487 to $957 for this single barren woman.  I've read 43 odd books with a few others glazed through.  I bought a new car all by myself--I got to choose EVERYTHING and I was shocked that I wanted BLACK on black..but I did...and I love it! I named her MADONNA because WISDOM comes from the darkness :)  I have loved on the stars -ASTROLOGY! And understanding the Tarot as it lays out for us all the levels of human consciousness.  The beautiful silken threads that are woven through this tapestry of life that CANNOT be pulled apart just drop my jaw! Sad for the necessary daily routine of checking for insulting chin hairs in the sunlight of a car rear view mirror.  Added myself as DEVOTEE to yet another ascended master-- Kuan Yin.   Got a speeding ticket. Kept my commitment to meditation. Experienced a few Expression Sessions. Gathered some incredible new friends, and held hard to some of the old.  Still pondering GOD/GODDESSES. Cherished being held by family who law would dictate are no longer mine. Relished that words on paper do not MAKE or BREAK energetic love bonds. Workshopped with Dr. Joe Dispenza, Byron Katie, Kyle Cease, Shaman Tammy Goldthorpe,  Matt Kahn, Martha Beck, Brene Brown, Oprah, and Deepak. I gained 17 more pounds and battle the self hate of fat and feeling ugly and hating to buy clothes. Yet, thwart the discipline that would bring change.   LOVED ME A RIVER and WINDOWS and FULL MOONS, sunbathing naked.  Unable to find a home I want to buy at a wise purchase price. Boated with my kids. Felt grown up a few times. Changed therapists twice. Found THE massage therapist of all time. Slept outside in my backyard :) Took lots of pictures of random things I want to hold in memory. Marveled at how many shades of GREEN there are in this world.  My intuitive "pictures" in my head have increased and my dreams have become interactive.  I discovered the JOY of compost tea to a gardener's heart. I see the magic of the people from my early years returning to finish the sharing/healing. I  ingested TED TALKS galore. Discovered  Pod casts :) :) :)  And super cool phone apps!I have shared the love and high vibration of essential oils with ALOT ALOT peeps. I grew. I learned super important skills and philosophies in business. Bought a guitar and gave a guitar as a love gift. Sincerely embraced PARADOX and oppostites...which shed joy back into scripture reading of all the religions scriptures.  Thrilled at the theater!  Had a magical Fairy Birthday Party with Megs.  I have returned to Yoga, running, dancing. FOUND OUT I WILL BE A GRANDMA again through Megan in December....

Whoa. I had no idea...so much in one year.  Hello Natalie. NEW NATALIE.

My focus has been to be fiercely GENTLE...that when I go into judgement -- I will lift myself AGAIN and AGAIN to compassion. I might should take out the word fierce because I get stuck there.
But I have experienced some success in this..and the FEELING of those times breeds the desire for more like it. My every day,  my every experience testifies how little I know, and how much more there is to LOVE....just as it is. Even and especially, including ME, just as I AM.

Wait for the light

Flying solo scares the bejeezus out of me.  Some times.

Especially in the dark of the night.

When I am working something out, or not,  the heavens seem to know they can find me at 330ish in the morning. I wake. The fear already wrapped tight, I start to use my "tools" to transform it into love. But there is NOTHING like the LIGHT of morning coming to literally lift off the darkness.  Angels of Mine...I commit to listening in the day time.  I do. Donald Miller told me 200 times in scripture it says DO NOT FEAR. Pretty sure thats cuz WE ARE GOING TO BE AFRAID. At 53, I know to be afraid. I know that things don't always work out. I also know that things not working out can actually be things working out. Paradox. Blessed Paradox.

I have a friend and business hero who put everything on the altar to promote her business and her passion...and her EVERYTHING was a lot more than most will ever even glance past. It didn't work out as she originally envisioned. She is not afraid. If she is, I can't see it or feel it.  I'm a watcher and a feeler.  I am a amazed. I am in awe. I feel MY potential by looking in on her...but I feel WAY to weary to pay her price. She scoops up the sacred heap of the remnants with peace. With no missed breaths, she has already started the transitioning to new places. In this lifetime she mastered fear. Mastered it.... and championed restructuring and HOPE.  I want to be like her...but do NOT want to pay the price. There.  I've said it. I want easy. I want only successes. Can't I please just be freaking amazing...FEARLESSS... without putting EVERYTHING on the line?

Yep. I know that ain't happening. I also know I'm pretty much NOT the girl to put EVERYTHING on the line...I don't move without some assurance. First child issues. Gots to keeps everybody SAFE.
 Call me Gideon. Again. And AGAIN. One more fire Gods...one more fire...could it be in the form of a penny placed in that place I asked it to be? So there is NO RETREAT on my part?

Did I tell you when I started Do Terra I didn't think through that I/we would actually one day have gathered thousands of people? That even though I/we have done it...and are gathering still...that there are days I feel like I have NO IDEA what I am doing and I am scared? I just want oils and happiness and incomes that produce sweet lives for my tribe.  I am just winging it people. I am just winging it with the best I know. Yep, in fear.  I have some ideas that worked for me...and a whole list of those that didn't work.  It's time for me to channel some Robyn Peay,  put fear in its rightful but non adhered to place, develop some new skills so I can assist in the growth of my business...so I can take it, and all of us to the next level. Please, give me/us wisdom. Grant us success in the changing world with the gift we have to share.

 I will take today to build an altar for myself. An altar covered in GRATITUDE for the grit and love and transforming example Robyn Peay's business savvy and life living has been to me. It will also stand as a remembrance of the GRACE I am continually given, and the rescue from FEAR while so in the dark. I will lay Donald's book next to Liane Moriarty's and Kamal Ravikant's and Michael Brown's. 4 Real people on my planet. :) I am real. I can be real like them.
4...the number of manifestation :)

 I listened (again) to AMILLION MILES IN A THOUSAND YEARS on my drive to Boise last weekend. I am struck by how different it is for me to hear this book read to me over my reading it. Both experiences were poignant...but the gleaning so different. I wrote of this book before...I'd love a chat if you partake. I went to get a copy for a retirement present and laughed as I found it in the Christian book section. Me and God. God and Me.  This is a book about the life story each of us is writing... How did God ever brave to let ME speak SOMETHING into the nothing? I am laughing...I will NOT EDIT GOD.  So...HERE    I    AM    xxooxxooxx

Delicious I tell you. Even more...the thoughts you will have as you lay the story over your own life...what would it be like if I lost the last 10 years of my life from my memory?

Love hard. Pray for me.

Make Room For ME

      FEEL the LOVE in her face.....I imagine all scripture writers have the same essence.
Mary Oliver (born September 10, 1935) is an American poet who has won the National Book Award and the Pulitzer Prize. The New York Times described her as "far and away, this country's best-selling poet." 

I seem to come to things LATE...later than most others. This time, my late introduction is a present indeed...as if she was wrapped up and saved for these very weeks of my life.

I love LOVE. I LOVE WORDS. I LOVE POEMS. I LOVE IDEAS. I LOVE Prophetesses.  I LOVE those who can speak my heart when only JOY or HURT can physically course through and my mouth moans and slags for words wanting.

A friend said to me recently, "you know Natalie, not EVERYTHING is co-ordinated and has spiritual meaning JUST FOR YOU". I needed a poem to respond. Mary has written them. Go read my response in her words...all of them. DON'T MISS ANY!!!  

Ummmmm...the BEAUTIFUL of      MY     life is...that INDEED, everything is co -ordinated with SOUL meaning JUST FOR ME.

 I CHOOSE.  :)

How incredulous that EACH OF US chooses the meanings in our lives. How fantastic the day the Fairies came and busted the walls down and let ALL the Giants (Mary Oliver) and Elemental's IN...the same day GOD became REAL....only LOVE...and Paradox His/Her/Their  Revealer.

 I was driving on TOLL road from Orlando up to home (Gainesville and Melrose)and the analogy was not lost on me that I was PAYING a fee to take the FASTER, more well maintained road...gathering my PAY within 10 days cards since I didn't have cash on me and they wouldn't accept credit.

I was listening to Tara Brach's book on Audible RADICAL ACCEPTANCE (my heart having burned as a friend at Movara shared a snipet and I knew I was to partake) when Tara reads in her own voice, Mary's poem GHOST pt 7 as follows:

Once only, and then in a dream,
I watched while, secretly
and with tenderness of any caring woman, a cow gave birth
to a red calf, tongued him dry and nursed him
in a warm corner
of the clear night
in the fragrant grass
in the wild domains
of the prairie spring, and i asked them,
in my dream i knelt down and asked them
to make room for me.

This is the first picture I hung in my new HOME after the divorce. I have had a cow "thing" going...it use to roosters..but I moooved :) on to cows...I ALMOST bought this huge cow pic in Boise...I have witnesses...I don't need to bore you with all the details. But lets just say, Sweet SWEET friend...INDEED the Universe, OUR GOD, does co ordinate and spiritually testify its LOVE to me in EVERYTHING.

EVERYONE is my angel.

                                                                              EVERYONE.

                   Especially YOU sweet friend when you BELIEVE otherwise and share that with me.

 Thank you Carol Lynn Peterson   THE VOW...MILLIES MOTHERS RED DRESS
Shakespeare, Whitman, Pam Pierson, Cummings, Maya Angelo, Dickenson, Frost, Bowning...Keats, Elliott, Jack Prelutsky...geez..I know I've forgotten some of the greats...
Yesterday after the wedding we had a lucious lazy morning just the family eating and feasting on SHEL SILVERSTEIN.
Thank you , THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! Shel Shilverstein  :) :) :) :) :)    
                                              THE VOICE
                                There is a voice inside of you
                                That whispers all day long,
                                "I fell that this is right for me,
                                 I know that this is wrong."
                                No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
                                Or wise man can decide
                                What's right for YOU---just listen to
                                The voice that speaks inside.
                         

 Friend...can you SEE how it all fits so MAGICALLY together?????

.....or a Mermaid Tail ....

I got to spend a minute or two assisting in the CREATION of this...my hands and heart are still squealing!!!!

I went to Florida to be there for the Grand Opening of THE HEALING HOUSE OF ALACHUA...Rudy and Ashley are frontline builders for me in Do Terra. They share the LOVE and HEALING of the Oils along with many other TOOLS in the Healing Chest. Ashley is a GIFTED Angel...and so is Rudy. They wrap me in my favoritest kind of LOVE. They have built a HOLY Temple.

 Dear Friend...it was God's purposed, co -ordinating magic that organized it all in synchronized timing....JUST FOR ME...sending me to their Temple for Spiritual Strengthening before  a big event in my life.  xxooxx  I was armed with sword of the Spirit... scripture from Mary Oliver. My feet shod in  remembrance of the tail of my MERMAID self :) that IS the gospel of PEACE.

Of course the PINK ones are mine :)

I wore my FAVORITE Breastplate of Righteousness (and had eyes to SEE)

I was reminded of my SHIELD of FAITH...

  HxOxMxE

And clasped on the Helmet of my Salvation.....

And tightened my belt of TRUTH......

And let the Angels anoint my HEART

xxooxx

Morning before Spencer and Casey's Wedding

SOOOO much happening in my heart...it is climbing out of my body. Such an odd sensation.

 I went to bed feeling the tugs of sadness I KNEW I would FEEL knowing that I will not be in the Temple to sit in the MOTHER'S chair for Spencer. I was too weary to kneel.  I rocked myself with my leg as the tears kept coming. I knew when I chose other truths that this would be a sacrifice I would have to lay on the altar. My human self just WANTS TO BE THERE!!!!!  My soul yearns for a different world. The moment is now. 

Sacrifice time is here.  

 I prayed for comfort that as I miss the physical witnessing, that my mother heart would be filled with the JOY of the marriage and not fixed on such a small part of what this means for our forever.  I called all the angels and grandmothers and grandfathers and had a little hissy fit and reminded them how REAL I am but I wanna show up my highest self...even in my deepest feelings. 

And then it happened. 

My heart filled with a love so big I don't even know how to write the words. 

First I thought of Enos. I KNEW that the love I was FEELING was like unto his. 

And I knew that I could NOT be excluded. 

I COULD SEE IT!!!! I can see it STILL.

The energy of    MY LOVE         WILL        seep past the exclusion--- and fill not only that chair, but all the chairs, AND the hearts of everyone joined there to participate. My love FILLS  the building AND the miles around the perimeter....ALL THE WAY TO ISTANBUL...into every person's heart...especially  to  all the Mother's everywhere who have taught their sons about the God they know the best they knew and know HOW to do it....

I kept thinking of Enos. 

LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL THING I KNOW!!!!!!

May the pure and  holy parts of  MY LOVE  spread and fill hearts...create a space that  others will look to the exclusions, the separating out, the teachings in Jesus' and  GOD's name,  and WONDER  if there is not ANOTHER WAY???  How can WE all  BE SOOOO LOST??? 

 No walls or chair filled with some other Mother can  keep my LOVE excluded.  A special blessing upon whoever that honored woman may be. I love you for being there.  The human in me longs that it would sit empty as a marker of  different choices.  I know that just because I am his physical mother doesn't mean that many others do not deserve to share that space with me. I welcome, and beg,  ALL who have Mothered him, to continue to HOLD HIM with me. We have a lot of life to live each other through. Our gift as mothers is to keep POURIN OUT THE LOVE!!. I feel SOOOOO much  gratitude for the LOVE  and tending everyone has given my boy. And to the Heavenly MOTHER  who created his soul and trusted his formative soul lessons with ME....My knees and lips are kissing YOUR altar. 

 I woke at 333am ... to be showered with comfort. I googled to remind myself the significance of 333.....The True Meaning of 33 and 333. The number 3 refers to the Trinity, and means that you are receiving divine protection, help, and guidance. In most cases, if you are seeing a lot of 3's, this is anAngel Number sign that you have a close connection to Jesus, the son in the Holy Trinity

Thank you Angels. 

And then my preacher pen pal had sent me this from Barbara Brown Taylor a favorite of both of ours:

 It can happen anywhere, in all kinds of ways. You can get lost on your way home. You can get lost looking for love. You can get lost between jobs. You can get lost looking for God. However it happens, take heart. Others before you have found a way in the wilderness, where there are as many angels as there are wild beasts, and plenty of other lost people too. All it takes is one of them to find you. All it takes is you to find one of them. However it happens, you could do worse than to kneel down and ask a blessing, remembering how many knees have kissed this altar before you.)

Then Grandmother Ellen mothered me in  her Facebook. post...and I remembered:

 I HAVE made an explosion.

 For me, with MY LOVE, there  ARE OTHER WAYS. I don't want a fight song. I am singing a LOVE song.  I will sing it LOUD TONIGHT and TOMORROW and ALWAYS...CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE THIS TIME??? 

OUTSIDE YOUR BUILDING???? I will melt the walls. 

Jesus does. 

My power is turned on. I will be strong. I will sing my song.

I will send a LOVE WAVE that will envelope EVERYONE...ALL OF US together.

And do my part in my humanness to keep singing till we all FEEL as one. 

http://www.nbc.com/americas-got-talent/video/calysta-bevier/3054756

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all…

Summer Solstice

Last night (Father's Day) I got on the lake at dusk. I had Grandad Steadwell's big blue shirt on wrapping me up in his love. He showed me a gorgeous feather on the way  that I picked up and brought in to my desk on my return.

 I was off to be on the water...MY MAGIC PLACE...to tell whoever my Heavenly Parents really are, THANK YOU..I had the sunset to my left and the almost full moon rising over the mountains to my right. I wish you could have been there with me to feel it. It was the BIGGEST moon I remember ever seeing. I sat and breathed in the beauty, the wonder, the GIFT of it all. I could FEEL the thousands of others out there LOVING on the same moon, the same sunset...together, ALONE.

4 white ducks circled me 4 times...we were quiet together...I wondered if I am the duck whisperer :) I wondered if I was counting wrong as I noticed them deliberately circling. 4 ducks..4 times circling and then 4 areas pondering for new intentions in the next 4 months. 4 stars out. 4 lights on in the homes surrounding the lake. 4...4...4444444!

I didn't want to come in. I had paddled to the middle and was just sitting. The Lemongrass was working super well, no mosquitoes. No one was expecting me anywhere for anything. The breeze was as if I had scripted it...I actually laughed out loud and asked "Where is the sound track?" Crickets started chirping on cue and a deep frog croak kept beat.  I swear, I wondered...did that really just happen? Were they already chirping and croaking and I just noticed?????

My life IS MAGICAL. I was taught that the sensations I was feeling are the Spirit of God....this electricity at the top of my head that flickers,  the race up the back of my spine, the warm swelling in my chest, overwhelmed  in love.  I was also taught that if I'm not living the commandments that I can't feel it---that it leaves me, it can't come and stay with me. So something is amiss. Either my personal experience has disproved another doctrine or the Gods continually give me an exception. ?Whatever you are, from wherever you come, THANK YOU.  I am living my choices by these feelings and not by what others say.  I know peace.  Peace is when I take my 4 intentions to the lake, sacred  and scared, not believing I am capable, and in petitioning--- am FILLED with Hope and LOVE and KNOWING that indeed.... I AM.

There is some pretty awesome DUCK TOTEM info out there...I was sad it wouldn't copy and paste...here is just some bits:  LUCKY DUCK...preparation meets opportunity :) Be in the NOW, be in the moment, this is where all your power exists and is available to you. Go with the FLOW...where the waters take you naturally. Be at peace.
Duck Totem:To see a Duck swimming is your connection with the unconscious and emotional body. They are reminding you that by allowing yourself to be vulnerable emotionally – you are freed to move on with your life. You have the ability to blend and adapt to different situations.

Angel numbers are in fact used as tools of communication from higher powers. All thru scripture...just research the number 40..or 7 or 12....

When you are receiving messages through Angel Number 4, the message likely has something to do with support. Number 4 is thought to symbolize stability in numerology. There are many ways to interpret this message, depending on what is relevant to your life.

It is possible that this message has something to do with building a foundation of sorts. Potentially, your angels are trying to tell you that it is time to focus on creating a solid infrastructure for future ventures.

Perhaps this is a sign that you need to take the time developing your skills or knowledge in the workplace. Angel Number 4 could very possibly be a message for you to take the time to really hone in on the area of your life where you want to reap benefits. By dedicating yourself to this realm, you will be setting yourself up to reach your ultimate goals.

If you are at a crossroads, Angel number 4 might be sending you a signal to follow the longer, more challenging road. Don’t take the easy way out. You will have all of the love and support to be successful in this undertaking.

This might seem daunting initially, but know that it will be worth the effort. Taking the time to do things the right way will give you greater success in the future. If it wasn’t the right path for you, then you spiritual guides would not encourage you to pursue it.

I wish I was brave enough to take my phone with me on the water.... this pic was taken after I drug the Kayak in the house. It was a 7 golf ball night ( I found 7 balls in the reeds as I kayaked the edges)...but as I bent over to pull the kayak up out of the water...3 fell back into the murky water leaving me with 4...yep...I GET IT. I HEAR YOU. I'm grateful. I've GOT THIS   :)