Sunday, January 24, 2016


We are struggling with DEPRESSION here. Struggling is a weak word.

Treading in 15 foot rolling waves of HOW THE HELL TO GET OUT OF THIS .

We have struggled before. I personally had not known this place. Until now.  I am on the upswing, but I am not OUT. As I begged the heavens, the ancestors, the friends, the internet, Doctors, counselors, books to help him....I wonder that giving ME a personal touch  was "their" loving answer. I wondered if it came to me from the sheer HELPLESSNESS in trying to eradicate it from my mancub? from many in  my beloved work tribe. Mostly my mancub. And now, mostly me.

It is so damn intolerable.

Where is the Priest who can exercise this out? And oh God...please let those who are sure it is my UNRIGHTEOUSNESS be struck with it soon.

What the is ALREADY PLENTY TRICKY. I have bills to pay. A business and people to show up for. I have weight to lose. A heart to refine. Where  did the caring about any of it go? I know I'm suppose to. I have a foggy remembrance that I did. That I do? I don't care about me....just take it from my boy.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD in this? WHERE is mine?

Could SOMEBODY just keep the Eggs Benedict coming...slide it in quick and then LEAVE so I can hide in the TV land of SUITS. Please..don't forget the avocado and THICK bacon. I'm sorry I don't want YOU to come in with it. But I'm not.

I called for help from a few friends. The ones who are left who don't care that I can't believe in their God. Oh dear God--- whichever one is the ONLY ONE TRUE GOD--- let my brain STOP. Let it REST. I am worried that I might offend someone in that sentence up above above about the friends who disappeared. All is not lost I guess..I DO still care.  A LOT OF SOMEONES...most of the SOMEONES who WERE in my life. I get how scary I must feel to them. And now...lets pile on the stigma of depression.

If you are depressed...since I am depressed...don't I get some BIG GRACE???????  Look, I don't want you to go to hell...I want you to go to your HEAVEN. The heaven of YOUR choosing.
I can't transform it...your heaven  sounds/feels like HELL to me,

Friends who came and continue to come running. Thank you.

We have some protocols shared from some amazing OIL peeps that  seem to works in spurts.

My online pen pal,  picked up from an airport moment, married preacher....sent me the following, and yes I wanted to suddenly believe in polygamy...well, at least Bigamy and marry his soul.

And this is me, trying to help. Again, ignore me if that suits your needs better. :-)

Hope things are looking up a little. Hang in there if they're not. 


Especially if you are NOT or NEVER HAVE BEEN depressed...could you go here to these links? Could you open in love for your fellow  depressed planet dweller? Could you please refrain from telling them they NEED a plan? Could you lay by them on the couch and hold them or  tickle their back and just not say a word?? OR...LEAVE THEM ALONE on the couch or in the bed if THAT is their preference?  Could you get GOOD at eggs Benedict? 

When you find the magic ...will you please pour it all over my boy (s) ? And then...Me...?

I started  this blog post  Thursday the 21st. It is Sunday morning. I am a different woman sitting here. The black has gone, and even the gray outside and new snowfall looks beautiful again and that place in my heart where I freaking LOVE being here has smothered the blackness away.

There are not words to describe the scared I felt. NO WORDS. 

I don't know if it is worse KNOWING that place or NOT knowing it. I have this panic that now that I know it it might come again.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Hello, It's ME....

My heart and head have been all over the feeling charts and back since I last posted. Been living intensely. More working. More playing. More friendships. More sorting. More tossing. More keeping.  More reading. More thinking. More feeling. More insecurity. More surety. More loving. More ME. More can be exhausting.

I've been to the home land a very real way it now feels like home to be in England. I am astonished at the LOVES I have there. I would make a list but there are SOOO many..but for sure, the ENTIRE Bowles family came into my life to love me up! Such deep true friendships---with all the warts and sparkles of REAL loving. We hold each other tightly in spite of, and indeed because of,  our realness, Its as if we've been waiting our whole lifetimes to find each other and practice our advanced love skills. We dance the business dance around the real reality of friendship and life comforting. Magic happens for me there. My head sees pictures all the time that I only see occasionally here. People just FIND me...coming from all over the country. The synchronicities  need to be if words  could capture all that it encapsules :)
Unbelieveable how much and WHO we get in Becky's car...some of the sweetest moments of my life have been with her in this car.

 I could be Vegan if I lived next door to this place!!!

I didn't get to go to the Trentham Estate to see the Fairies because we had stayed with new builders in Liverpool for too long...but what do you know? When I called the artist to see if I could see them anywhere else.,.he said...where are you? I live in Staffordshire...if you are close, even though its can come to my shop!!!!!! he was 30 minutes away ON THE WAY HOME. Becky and I spent about 40 minutes with him as he shared his love and brilliance. Interestingly, he loves his programming as much as his sculpture. He is kind, gentle and smart and lives out in Wnnie the Pooh's wood with the Fairies. One day, one of his fairies will be in MY garden.

I rolled in the energy of  New York City. With Friends. Favorite friends who love me even if they don't GET me. NO work. A Merry Christmas to me. Stayed at the Waldorf where my great great grandmother lived out the rest of her years. I was surprised at my delight in the Rockettes. Just WOWZA! It was my favorite Nativity ever--the costuming and...real camels! KINKY BOOTS made me laugh and cry and Wayne Brady was phenomenal. FINDING NEVERLAND...the alligator costume still has me wanting to dress up. Discovered I have another clothes shop I love as much as Anthropologie...FREE PEOPLE.  Spent a delicious day wandering NY with a High School friend, just talking and sharing the REAL of our lives at 50. Did I tell you how much I love I just BEING with people?Intriguing how all the years don't change the feelings. Felt like I was in Mary Poppins with the Pigeon Guy. Longed for Wacky Wednesday Days with the Humongo bubble guy, Looked at all the shop windows dressed for Christmas. In awe at how the TRANSCENDENCE Theme was everywhere.  Saw the world on parade and was overwhelmed and still wondering WHERE I fit. Yet, I'm here. I have a place.

I am here with a freakish--its lasted for weeks --fetish for Eggs Benedict. Had it at the Waldorf where it originated. I like it best with THICK soft cooked bacon, avocado and not too much,but not too little sauce.

I am more and more in love with my pond. I cannot help myself. I can't quit glorying in the mornings and sunsets!!!

Christmas was just odd. I have expectations and I've got to stop it. 2 down now of attempting to create some normalcy with the blatant elephant of divorce sitting on us.  Next year will be a new year for creating yet again. I LOVE when all the kids are home. One more time. I LOVE when all the kids are home.

I rang the New Year in Dancing with the kids. More world on parade...we did plenty of laughing. May our New Year be so filled.

The Eagle has returned to my tree...the first time since July. His mate didn't show up. Where IS she? I wonder where their nest is. The animal totem symbolizes FREEDOM with powerful symbolic meaning of TIMING, VICTORY and SPIRITUAL QUEST, helping you discover your personal power, and the route to the destiny of your choosing.Think I got me an animal totem.

Kim Bartlettt supports me in Do Terra so I wanted to support her in her  face tending regimen company called Rodan Fields...I should have taken a BEFORE pic...but the difference in my neck is amazing. So MANY great MLM companies out there.

I started the Terrafit weight loss program thru Do Terra. Now if I can stay on it. The before pics should seal my mouth shut....but alas...there are eggs and bacon and avocado and Hollandaise sauce still on the planet. No, acutally, I've been good and lost 5 pounds this week...I am HAPPY...but when you start at 186.6...ummm. More than a few weeks to go. I want to be back to myself by Sam's wedding. I may have to cut out the beloved coffee....NOOOOOoooooooooooooo! Deepak is aiding me in this with his $21 buck class REINVENTING THE BODY, RESURRECTING THE SOUL. I LOVE ME A CLASS!!! (and a book, and some talk, and new ideas !!!!!!)

Megan  knows I love me a class and I love to tell the kids ALL about it. She is joining me, and gave me Brene Brown's COURAGE WORKS/LIVING BRAVE class for Christmas. Only one week in and already I am even MORE in love with Brene and the magic she sprinkles in my mind and heart.

Side note...Meg and I's Mom/Meg date last week was Brunch at the Grand America. Don't do it. I was FUN to be there with all the "special" people and the options were crazy plenty..but the food was so so. Just take yourself to the Original Pancake House behind Scheels and have eggs benedict :)

Eric Worre is still lighting my fire...for the first time I am actually DOING EVERYTHING he suggested for a successful year in Do Terra. I am growing up in my business. I'v got it now. Now to just keep doing and keep finding others who want the same. LOVE ME AN OIL. The new emotions oils and chemistry classes set my heart on fire.

Its TAX time. Ummm. Yeah. You know my drill. I'm going to hire a monthly accountant this year. Some people want a personal chef (ok, I'd like that too...but I just want someone to take care of all the number stuff and paperwork :) .

Books to share: STILL in LETTING GO by David Hawkins cross referencing with Michael Singer's THE SURRENDER EXPERIMENT. Which totally intertwines with my TM learnings...hey if you are thinking to Marc Stephens in Salt Lake...the Friday night lectures alone are worth every penny. Just learned that studies have proven that after 6 months of dedicated bi daily practice, the WHOLE brain starts to work together for more and more extended periods of time until ultimately you reach that 5th state of consciousness.
YOU ARE THE PLACEBO by Dr Joe Disppenza


WHAT ALICE FORGOT by Liane Moriarty  Do yourself a BIG Favor,,,take a day, Treat Yourself!

LOVE YOURSELF Like your life depends on it  by Kamal Ravkant (he has a TED TALK)

A new yoga center opened sooooo close to me. This is my year. 436 W 800 N Orem