Sunday, January 24, 2016


We are struggling with DEPRESSION here. Struggling is a weak word.

Treading in 15 foot rolling waves of HOW THE HELL TO GET OUT OF THIS .

We have struggled before. I personally had not known this place. Until now.  I am on the upswing, but I am not OUT. As I begged the heavens, the ancestors, the friends, the internet, Doctors, counselors, books to help him....I wonder that giving ME a personal touch  was "their" loving answer. I wondered if it came to me from the sheer HELPLESSNESS in trying to eradicate it from my mancub? from many in  my beloved work tribe. Mostly my mancub. And now, mostly me.

It is so damn intolerable.

Where is the Priest who can exercise this out? And oh God...please let those who are sure it is my UNRIGHTEOUSNESS be struck with it soon.

What the is ALREADY PLENTY TRICKY. I have bills to pay. A business and people to show up for. I have weight to lose. A heart to refine. Where  did the caring about any of it go? I know I'm suppose to. I have a foggy remembrance that I did. That I do? I don't care about me....just take it from my boy.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD in this? WHERE is mine?

Could SOMEBODY just keep the Eggs Benedict coming...slide it in quick and then LEAVE so I can hide in the TV land of SUITS. Please..don't forget the avocado and THICK bacon. I'm sorry I don't want YOU to come in with it. But I'm not.

I called for help from a few friends. The ones who are left who don't care that I can't believe in their God. Oh dear God--- whichever one is the ONLY ONE TRUE GOD--- let my brain STOP. Let it REST. I am worried that I might offend someone in that sentence up above above about the friends who disappeared. All is not lost I guess..I DO still care.  A LOT OF SOMEONES...most of the SOMEONES who WERE in my life. I get how scary I must feel to them. And now...lets pile on the stigma of depression.

If you are depressed...since I am depressed...don't I get some BIG GRACE???????  Look, I don't want you to go to hell...I want you to go to your HEAVEN. The heaven of YOUR choosing.
I can't transform it...your heaven  sounds/feels like HELL to me,

Friends who came and continue to come running. Thank you.

We have some protocols shared from some amazing OIL peeps that  seem to works in spurts.

My online pen pal,  picked up from an airport moment, married preacher....sent me the following, and yes I wanted to suddenly believe in polygamy...well, at least Bigamy and marry his soul.

And this is me, trying to help. Again, ignore me if that suits your needs better. :-)

Hope things are looking up a little. Hang in there if they're not. 


Especially if you are NOT or NEVER HAVE BEEN depressed...could you go here to these links? Could you open in love for your fellow  depressed planet dweller? Could you please refrain from telling them they NEED a plan? Could you lay by them on the couch and hold them or  tickle their back and just not say a word?? OR...LEAVE THEM ALONE on the couch or in the bed if THAT is their preference?  Could you get GOOD at eggs Benedict? 

When you find the magic ...will you please pour it all over my boy (s) ? And then...Me...?

I started  this blog post  Thursday the 21st. It is Sunday morning. I am a different woman sitting here. The black has gone, and even the gray outside and new snowfall looks beautiful again and that place in my heart where I freaking LOVE being here has smothered the blackness away.

There are not words to describe the scared I felt. NO WORDS. 

I don't know if it is worse KNOWING that place or NOT knowing it. I have this panic that now that I know it it might come again.

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