Monday, March 31, 2014

Love from Sam 31 March 2014

Well, first off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!! you are incredible, an absolute role model for how I want to be as I grow older. thank you for everything! 

This week was quite good!! On P-day we went to this beautiful hill called Beacon hill, which overlooks all of Leicester! absolutely beautiful and breathtaking.  Later monday night 4 lessons we had set up with potential investigators all canceled, so we were a bit discouraged, but we kept working and working. 

On Wednesday I was able to help lead out my first zone meeting! it was great and actually quite easy and I was very comfortable doing it. everything went smoothly! after Zone meeting we were able to go on exchange with the assistants to the president, and we had a great time! we taught some really good lessons with Jill and with Joan, and spent a lot of time finding. I really developed a sense of my potential as a missionary on the exchange.  Jill is doing great! she still just needs to quit smoking, now down to 1 a day! she will need to quit by the 12th of Aprilfor her baptism, so please continue to keep her in your prayers! 

On Thursday we got a text message from a lady saying that she used to investigate the church, and she really wanted us to come over again ASAP. her name is Joan, she is such a sweet heart! she is quite depressed and she remembered the way she would feel when she met with the missionaries, and so now we are teaching her and she is on a baptismal date for the 26th of April.  she is very lonely and is going to benefit largely from the atonement of Jesus christ.  

We saw some sweet miracles finding this week! we were able to teach 3 people right on the spot while finding, setting up return appointments and 1 of them came to church! in total, we were able to have 7 New Investigators this week! which is the most that this area has had since it's been opened.  

I got to play baseball yesterday! One of our potential investigators plays baseball, and I told him to bring an extra glove to our teaching appointment! we ended up playing long toss for like 30 minutes! my arm felt great and it made me soooo trunky for watching and playing ball again. the day will come! he is chinese and he is elect! his name is Phil and we are exited for the next few weeks with him!

All of the uni students will be going on easter break for 4 weeks, so we will have to find out where we will be spending the rest of our time haha it should be interesting! 

Well, my favorite part of the package was DEFINITElY the mini hoop. we play every single night after call-ins! everything is going pretty well! let me know of any other questions you might have for me! exited to talk to you via skype in a little bit more than a week! 

I truly believe this gospel is true! It makes me so happy to wear the saviors name on my chest and to strive to become more like him every day! 

Lots of love!

Elder Sam Harris

Thursday, March 27, 2014


Sam's been gone ONE YEAR TODAY...and God bless Debbie Hulsey A. for KNOWING that in the grocery store, and B. for inspiring me with her 87 pound weight loss.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Love from Sam 24 March 2014

Hello family! 

I'm sorry, this is one of those weeks where we are super busy and I don't have much time to write, but this week was pretty slow! we had 16 lessons cancel. 16! kind of crazy, but it's alright, we will continue working hard and striving to see miracles.  

our zone is doing better and better each week which is really exiting, this week we will do our first zone meeting and it will be my first training to missionaries! I'm a little nervous but mostly excited for the oppurtunity for me to learn and grow from teaching!

We have an investigator, Jill, who is really doing well. she is basically a dry mormon, her testimony is so strong! she will be baptized on the 9th of April, she went from smoking 40 cigarettes a day to now just 2. she's so close!

I will try my best next week to make enough time so that I can properly write you, but for today I'm really out of time.  I love you all so much! only a year and we will see each other again. let's go to cheesecake factory ok? I miss massive portions of delicious food.  Have a great week! 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Heading to England

Just got this as I am about to head out the door for the Mother Land. Look at the smile on that boys face...
 LOVE YOU Sam! Whatever your decision....but Momma's bringing good stuff to drop off either way
Better longer message next excited to have Josh and Michael coming home soon.
MOMDisplaying photo.JPG

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Amazingness of March 3 thru 9 2014

Could there be a more beautiful female creation than this?? I say NO. And yes I GET that I helped in the physical creation...look at that smile. Look at that HAPPY!!! WHO ARE WE that WE get to be together for this life??? Busting my buttons, I PROUDLY share that Megsalina paid off her MBA student loans this week. To celebrate she treated herself to new road bike. Dad got excited and got one too.

Each of us has a different path. Its fascinating to watch US.

Dad travels the South American worlds. Michael IS going to work in Alaska again this summer. Josh is going to move into Michael's apartment in Bellevue. Spencer is creating a beautiful GOLF life. Sam will hit his year mark the 27th. Doors everywhere are blowing open for me...I feel like I can't run fast enough to get through them all. I thrill to breathe this hard!!!!

SOOOO....JUST ONE of the doors..... Wait till you see these pics:
                                                               I WAS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                                                              Got goosebumps yet?
 Remember that yearly MOMMA EVENT? It's gonna be HERE one year!!!!!
                                                         I SLEPT HERE! xxooxxooxxooxx
I want to recreate this room for a master...I know I can't create a beach out the sliding glass doors of OUR HOUSE...but the pool will do :) See that corner couch...PERFECT!!! Not too big, not too small...goldilocks JUST RIGHT! I snugged into the middle with books on both sides.
The speakers to the TV were piped into the bathroom when you went to could put it on a radio station and blare it...ahhhhhhhhh. The Bedding--WHITE and LUXURIOUS!!! I never thought I'd be liking WHITE know how I feel like its NOT a color...but it was CLEAN and perfect. It was a king size bed. I slept in the middle. I used all 4 pillows :) I had books computer on the playing the whole time. I could hardly decide WHAT I was going to read first with the afternoon they gave us! HEAVEN I TELL YOU!!!
   The water was freezing....but healing to smell and dip my toes into and be near.
Jonathon and Jessica Law, bless their dearest, kindest, most thoughtful, AMAZING HEARTS-- invited me to participate in a Corporate Alliance Event ( A networking company for CEO's) here at the Montage in Laguna Nigel. EVERYTHING was paid for. My flights, the experience, my food, the accommodations. I am still in reverie. When I walked into my room I had this knowing that it was gift from the Gods. I was so grateful to Jonathan and Jessica for being their instruments.

The event itself was life changing. Nothing about it was common. I was the only woman my group. I got to spend 2 1/2 days connecting and business sharing with these men who have created companies with as many as 500 employees. We shared real life and strategy and vision. I was FILLED and OVER FLOWING with the inspiration of them all...and at their welcome. It could have been a MEN's club...with that "the brethren" feel. But it SO WAS NOT. I will pray to create that again and again. I was recharged on HIGH voltage. They girded me. There was a sincere gratitude both ways for the valuable lessons and knowing we had to share. I had never been more grateful in all my life for all the business books I devour. I left feeling like I was leaving summer camp with an arsenal of angels now at my side as I plunge forward in creating and leading my work/life TRIBE. I am blessed. I am overwhelmed, and yet, my arms are outstretched still to embrace all that is still coming.
Stacy Edgington brought by raspberry bread pudding for me on Tuesday for my Birthday. A whole 9 by 13 pan of it. I am loved. The love and the colors are so beautiful I wanted to post it. I want to write in black and white sometime about my 32 pound weight gain since Aug 11th. Not today. I just want to note how much I LOVE MY BODY. I'm grateful for its patience with me.

We celebrated Spencer's birthday yesterday since I will be in Phoenix this week on his birthday. Breakfast in bed --you guessed it...Daylight Donuts- Raspberry Bear Claws and chocolate long joins w Chocolate milk and Cadbury Chocolate Eggs :) When we went to PKC for dinner, he wasn't sure he wanted to go cuz his tummy hurt....:) We went to see Monument Men after and missed the rest of you like crazy. Knowing Josy was sick made it even harder. Of course Spencer pulls out his phone with a pic of Sam at a Wacky Wednesday on it at about age 5...made me cry. I love how you all...WE ALL...Love each other.

One week from today I will be on a plane crossing the ocean and staying within a half hour of Sam. There is no doubt that my MOTHER LOVE powers created this opportunity. It is also my MOTHER LOVE powers that will survive if its best for Sam not to see me. Sam decides. He has Mormon culture and rules pulling one side and me on the other. I see clearly how this is a mirror of not just THIS situation, but of our entire life together now that I have other choices.  What loving mother creates a quandry like this for her boy? Obviously ME.  I publicly lay down my side of the rope. There is no pull here. Only yards and yards of lax rope  to be used  whenever needed. I sit in the irony of knowing I did NOT consciously create this  on purpose, yet it is EXACTLY what my heart yearned for.  Which makes it all the more sweet... and heart breaking. DUALITY. PARADOX. LIFE. So much to examine and feel through.  I am sad. I am sad at the position he feels torn between.  It is craziness in my heart that we keep these boys so isolated from their families in the name of their being able to FOCUS on God's work.  In my mind our families are also God's work...even and especially in missionary work.  I pray for the day when the heavens either enlighten my heart or those who believe differently on this subject, that the pain involved can be removed. My mind thought of Ghandi--- who I love and honor--- declaring his celibacy to his wife after his fourth child was born....telling her--- instead of inviting her to be apart of his decision. Yes, it was Good for him...was it good for her? Could it be good for him if it wasn't good for her? Even if THEIR culture had her in a different caste of subservience? More awe at the GOOD that is accomplished in our imperfectness. More room to create for all that I do not understand. Either way, Sam will have a noble story to tell our posterity. And they in turn, will look in and decide for themselves what love looks like, and how it feels to them. BIG LOVE AHEAD.
 Grandmom Ellen's mom died last night. She has been a outer shadowing in my life for the past 30 years. It gives me pause as I look to everyone in my life and the love prints they leave. It also reminds me of the sacredness of birthing ourselves into and out of this world. Keep Ellen and family in your prayers...will be a sweet and sad week for them as they adjust. Just a reminder that I will be on the other side and in charge of the party for ALL of you when you come back to me. Don't forget that I want a PARTY when I will find my party plans for you all under my documents file that reads NOT A FUNERAL...A CELEBRATION PARTY...for the Momma xxooxx

Must turn off my brain.  I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOU.
One more book for the list. CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS.
YOU are the change makers. We ALL are. Check out the skills and light in showing us other ways in this book.
The Momma

Edgar Cayce

When you look at this office you will see WHY I resonate with him :) But goodness...HOW did he function on such a SMALL desk?
It's interesting to me what it takes to get our attention... Ok...MY attention sometimes.
My SOUL sister friend Kimberly loaned me a few books by Edgar Cayce  a few months back and told me that I was going to love them. If you've seen my NEXT UP stack...well, these were pretty far down the stack. UNTIL...I was introduced to Kim Terry (she has  psychic gifts). While talking to me, she says...I get an overwhelming energy around you that is flashing Edgar Cayce...I had not remembered the books given to me by Kimberly. "Who is that I asked? Am I suppose to know who that is? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
She laughed and said "He was known as the Sleeping Prophet" google him and see what comes up for you.

I came here to earth just for GOOGLE. I saw his face. I knew him. Take a second and look back at his face. Feel the goodness? Look at that smile...!  Within the HOUR I look at my book stack and realize I have TWO of his works sitting on MY file cabinet!! I threw one into my travel bag for the trip and prayed the heavens time for the reading.

I went to and downloaded some of his other stuff.  I had 4 glorious hours of uninterupted reading time on my way to Laguna Nigel. Slurped it up, gulped it down. When I was in High School I was told by someone that you could learn while you were sleeping. I was told by this teacher that  college students where sleeping to tape recordings of information that they wanted to learn and then able to recall it later. That seemed most improbable but SOOO desirous. Ever since it has pricked my brain at times when I am so hungry for more. Edgar Cayce could sleep on a book and know its contents the next day.

When he was young boy an angel came to him and asked him what he would like...he answered that he wanted to help people. The rest of his life is a fascinating read in a Hero's struggle to connect his devote church beliefs with the gifts he was given. He spent most of his life healing. He would go into a trance and access knowledge for the sick from the Akashic records...wake to having no idea what he had said. Miracles in the thousands were performed by people following his trance instructions. Just a humble boy from Kentucky born in the late 1800s and left us in 1945. Another person Momma hopes you will take a second when it feels good to check out. He preached his whole life for us to spend our lives loving and assisting others. Amen.

As much as I want an angel to appear and ask me what I want...I have a knowing that they only come and ask when a heart is pure enough to want only what is best for others. At first I was sad that I am not that person. Then I was wrapped in an angel's love from head to toe for being AWARE I am not that person and being willing to walk the walk to get there. Alot of heart changing ahead. Exciting for all the loving to come as well.

Again, and again and again, as my heart aches to have more KNOWING...I am softened by an understanding that I do not live what I KNOW now.

That softening will not stop me from the begging. How great is it that my GODS KNOW ME? That they DELIGHT in me? That none will be surprised to find me sleeping on/with my books--still asking for speeded light and knowledge :)

I LOVE Psalms 37:4 Delight thyself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart.

All things are possible with God.

I also LOVE Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you.
He will take great DELIGHT in you,
He will quiet you with his love.
He will rejoice over you with singing.

I'm singing....join me?

Monday, March 3, 2014

Love from Sam 3 March 2014

We've made it to March! how on earth did that happen so fast??
This week was Good!
On Monday we had zone p-day which is always good to get together with a bunch of missionaries!
On Tuesday we had a lesson with Gifty and the only thing she really struggles with is the reading commitment, so we found out a way that she can listen to the book of mormon for 5 minutes every day as she's walking home from school! we will see! I love her so much, and I would like to ask for all of you to concentrate any prayers you may have for Gifty and Rosalyn. They are so close! After we had a dinner appointment we met with Cathy and Louis and Long and Zed. They all loved their baptisms and we're bearing testimony of the gospel and the difference it has made in their lives and it was sooo good!
Wednesday we had a really good lesson with Albert where he told us he doesn't have much of a testimony of the plan of salvation because of the belief in reincarnation that the chinese have. We retaught the plan, and then invited him to pray about it right there in front of us, and he said he felt really peaceful and happy and he knows it's true. He came to church yesterday and he is really looking solid for baptism on the 15th!
On Thursday we had a really spiritual District meeting. all of the missionaries in our district have agreed that this is easily our favorite district we've had. we are all best friends and we love each other, and that is why we have seen so much success! because we have brought unity to the ward and to the district. in most of the big cities in the mission, the missionary companioships are really competitive to see who has better numbers, but that is definitely not the case in Coventry at the moment. We bore our testimonies and there were some incredibly spiritual thoughts and feelings shared and it was way sweet. One of the more special moments of my mission that I won't forget.  After that Elder Hall and I went on exchange and had a way good time! we taught Nora, Sheri, Gifty and Rosalyn, and took an investigator to a dinner appointment. 
On Saturday we played football, and then went to city center and street contacting with some of the youth in the ward that had never done any sort of missionary work before, so it was sweet to see how nervous they were, and to realize how much I have grown as a missionary! a year ago I couldn't imagine stopping random people on the street! but I love it! After street contacting one of our investigators took us to dinner at a really good buffet because it is probable that I will be transferred on wednesday :/ I'm really nervous and I don't want to be transferred at all but whatever happens will be what needs to happen.  After the dinner, a member in our ward's dad is a general authority, Elder Dryden. He wanted us to come over to their house so he could ask us questions about how we are having success and what we are doing. It was an honor to spend time with a general authority, and for HIM to be asking US questions. it was crazy. We both loved it, and we wish we could have had more time. We got to honestly express our feelings of how the mission is good and anythings we would change about our experiences and it was just really good. 
Sunday was great! Elder Unice had the runs so church was miserable for him hahaha. not that funny but looking back it is actually pretty histerrical when I think about when I would look accross the room and see how uncomforable he looked. We have a kind of relationship that it is ok that I make fun of him for it. So we didn't get to do much yesterday because he was feeling really sick.  But he is feeling much better this morning which is good! we will go to a buffet and then we will get haircuts, and then we'll see what happens! tonight we'll find out whether I stay or whether I go.  Have a great week people that I love!
Mom- I loved your blog post today! I smiled ear to ear many times while reading. I'm not completely when or why but yeah. the idea for the gathering every year is BRILLIANT! I'm not sure what to call it. maybe the hammerhead shark? or the bottlenose-dolphin? let me know what you think. or maybe YOLO-SWAG-DOPE. just spitballin'. anyways love you all! Look forward to hearing from you all next week!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

SPRING...feels so CLOSE!!

It's Sunday morning. Another week full of miracles. I am still breathing IN them..

Before I plunge into mine..I wanted to note all the miracles Sam has been experiencing in his LOVE of the gospel and sharing his heart. And maybe take note of some of yours that came about this week?

My birthday. I made it. 51. NO CANCER. See Mom?

I knew I had some "stuff" with mom dying so early, but boy...there was more stuff than I thought. My heart still grieves when I think of how young you were when you left Mom. Here I am, so close to the age you left. I feel as if I have a whole OTHER life just NOW ahead of LEAST 30 plus more years. A life richer than can be written or described yet.

I can FEEL the life left  inside me. Depths to reach-- possible only by the foundation of loves and experiences that have preceded me. I can hardly sleep sometimes with the excitement of all to come.

The miracle is the peace that has come to me, the KNOWING, Mom, that your leaving early was PERFECT for you. Yes, even for the "use to be angry" me. hiding from the GODS or you...sometimes I am still angry. I want my kids to KNOW you...not just YOU knowing them here. I know now it was perfect for all of us. My speculations on WHAT could be more perfect than staying and sharing your life magic with us, leaves me empty. My vision is earth bound. I long for the heavens to open and show me specifics on WHAT could be more amazing for you than finishing things up with US?!!! Yet,  I trust. Thank you for the dream, the visit. I like so much that you come to me on my birthdays. I wish it were EVERY birthday. Thank you for flushing me with JOY. Thank you for giving me a living knowledge of the other sides reality. Thank you for my life Mum.Thank you for taking me on and bringing me here as a teenager. I can't imagine everything that accompanied bringing me here at such a young age. It makes me wonder at WHO both of us are that we trusted each other with that timing. We are LOVE. That's who we are.

Somehow my phone text setting got entangled with my facebook account and my birthday was the SWEETEST manifestation of the love. At one point I had 214 unread texts...birthday love pouring in. I still have 26 to wash over me. EARTH traditions ROCK!!! My heart committed to taking more time for all the people. I WILL learn I to work less, to navigate the connections of the Universe where time is more expansive. I want MORE TIME with so many. Especially you kids.

Robyn Openshaw's Sequoia that is EXACTLY what I want came up for sale...quirky details that aren't important has made it so it will be sold to someone else....the miracle was that I manifested it so quickly, and that ultimately it made me clear about the vehicle I want to drive. Always got me some "stuff" sorting to do. Had a lot of "stuff" around the 'green' issue of one woman driving around that size with that carbon footprint. Got the go ahead from the God's. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if something happens that it ends up with me. Of course I am smiling KNOWING I can manifest another.

Friday was the last day of the month....always an interesting day,- rushed, panicked,chaotic,- to assist everyone to their goal rank in Do Terra. I intended to create a different last day. I intended to be quiet. Peaceful. I intended to manage the stress and chaos into an organized, inspiring, perfect ending and new beginning for March. I intended to relax and take thought and time with each person as they called, trusting that there would be the perfect amount of anything needed to end with ALL at their goal achieved. There was more TO DO than time permitted. I called for time to expand. I had team members to support. People to recruit and product to share. My day was filled with supporting. PEOPLE contacted ME wanting product..4 to be exact. My numbers came in PERFECTLY. Not more. Not less .I am going to  intend MORE.

Jamie and Stewart had invited us to the ROOF that night  in Salt Lake to celebrate my birthday a few weeks earlier. When I accepted I was just thinking of how awesome it would be to be with them and to be THERE. My mind hadn't lined up with the fact that it WAS MONTH END!  When I realized the conflict, I knew it wasn't smart to leave and take those hours way, I was already SHORT TIME. But I wanted to go. I've been working HARD. I am learning to trust the Universe. I mediated that all would end perfectly. I would accept the outcome whatever it was, but I was intending a close at Diamond. I would give all the hours my best energy, but I was going to go with Jamie and feast and celebrate 25 plus years of friendship at a MOST EXQUISTE restaurant and setting in the middle of it all.  I gave my all to the very last minute. Went to a BEAUTIFUL evening with them...dinner was LUCIOUS...the lights of the city where MAGIC. Catching up was as delicious as the food. I had to keep wiping off and pushing to the floor this panic that I was not home inputting sign ups.

I kid you not...the enrolling system of the company was crashed and down the ENTIRE time I was with Nelson's!!! It came back up as our evening had ended. Because of  the crashed system the company gave us extra hours into March to hit our ranks. People would swear I make up the synchronicity in my life. I GET TO LIVE THIS CRAZY AWESOMENESS!!! As soon as I found out the system was back up we hurried home. You know the ending. Storybook. Heaven sent. All was perfect. All team members hit rank. Miracles. Sometimes I think if we were in earlier times people would burn me as a witch. I am still marveling. I will tell you from 11 to midnight I was in panic and had Dad and another of my favorite front line inputting and making calls like crazy. I was skirmish about trusting the peace I felt. Odd sensation.  With practice I will learn to better manage my trust. Peace is knowing and believing ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL Loveies....EVEN when it doesn't match up with our earthly HOPING. ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL. We just intend, move wholeheartedly in that direction, and trust the outcomes. And when it DOES match up with our earthly HOPING...we are given to more trusting and  knowing.

Ahhhhhhh...Creation. My Chickadees....I believe with all my heart that we came here EXACTLY to learn to manage the power of our creation. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CREATE???? What HAVE YOU CREATED??? (Freakazoid amazing stuff...make a head list will be smiling along with me!!!!) WHO are you  CREATING with??? Thank you for choosing ME to be apart of that. I AWE and leak tears that YOU trusted ME for your foundation. I AWE and rejoice that there is a VILLAGE to support us all. I saw that Spencer was reading MIND GYM the other day and did a momma's happy dance. WHO WILL YOU CREATE with??? You get to choose!!!! How, more loving, could the heavens be that WE get to choose????

Three miracles. I am sure there are more. I am working to manage my DOING so that I am not too busy and miss some in the busyness. I have been too BUSY with my creation. I am changing that. I am learning to manage my creation differently. There IS a middle place in creation like all other powers. I seek the Saints who understand this place to show me the way.  I laugh at myself as I am led to some of these Saints and then rebuke the very WAY that led them there. REALLY, I want you to read the AUTOBIOGRAPHY of a YOGI. I so believe. But no. I am NOT ready for a life of renunciation. I have so much MORE basic primal living I CHOOSE to partake in.  Isn't it soul joying to know that THERE ARE other levels, but that I can choose to finish out where I am before heading in a direction ill prepared? And that WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW is perfect?? Where WE are if perfect??And like all else..I swing on this pendulum from one far side to the other. Pretty sure this next 30 plus years is where I get to experience that middle place. I laugh because in the last 3 months I have been told by guides and I quote  "You are an all or nothing woman"   " You are either ON of OFF"  " YOU covet the middle ground but don't even have a clue as to what that looks like much less feels like."

I wanted to take a second and remind you what a dear, honest, handsome, integrity filled, kind, helpful, thoughtful, smart, diligent, concerned, loving man your Dad is. I know you can see by his life why I love him and chose him. I love your Dad. He loves me. We are both perfectly imperfect. It would be impossible to create what we have created (YOU) and not spend the eternities loving each other. I am grateful that we can all  laugh together at how different he and I are as people... and keep laughing at how different the life philosophies we live by are. I adore that you get to add YOUR dimensions of  LOVE and life philosophies to our mix. I am excited for all you will bring to us...and all that we have yet to embrace.

I am grateful that you can have 2 such different examples in your life of loving God and how that looks and works for each of us. As you know, I do not believe that there is only one way to the Gods.  To Godhood. I am grateful for Dad's patience now, for the changes he has made in my behalf and for his heart openings. Fear is a monster we both struggle with as I change.  I am grateful as I see him  laying  the fear down and seeing me. I am  grateful to come and experience a changing, moving, living love with him. Even on the days we don't like each other much. Opposition in all things. Have to have the bad to know the good. Grateful you have known the good between us and seen it up close. I love that Adam and Eve and that darn apple and tree of knowledge of good and evil got taught us first thing. Dad and I are the soul softeners for each other...The soul OPENERS for each other. We have been brow sweating it out diligently in the lone world and sometimes making it dreary. I choose to abolish dreary. I am grateful for the places the truth of our love will take us. I don't know where that will be. But fear has no home here with us. Only LOVE. Now we continue lessons of what love looks like and acts like...leaving the interpretation of others to themselves and doing our own work.

I want to apologize to you in my awakening of a realization of myself. I heard you saying this in our family counseling session, but forgive me...I DID NOT HEAR IT at the time. I kept chewing over your words...good thing. Your Dad's kindness and patience unmuted my marbled hearing.  MANY times this week I have found him aiding my causes when I have overloaded my plate. He washed the Sequoia. He helped me input Do Terra sign ups. He brought dinner home. He read a whole book about healing just cuz he is worried about gluten free and depression and the family health issues. He told me I was beautiful.  He took time to think about birthday gifts for you that would have meaning. He listened to me about what I wanted for my birthday. Being truly  listened to is a gift we are BOTH working on.I am so relieved that FINALLY I HEAR YOU and what you were saying to me.  Practice listening on everyone now loves. It will ease the road. I am grateful it is a skill we can learn.

This week Dad tended to me in ways that I have not tended to him in a long while. I think that was the hurt noticed and mentioned in our family session (how blessed are WE that we can have aid from gifted counselors who can teach us loving skills--and better ways???) were saying I have not been extending my true kindnesses to him as I do others. You spoke truth. Fear is such a life altering poison. I have been afraid and I have FEAR. I am sweeping it off me with these words of intent. Please forgive me for loving him less. I haven't tended to him as he deserves. He deserves to be cherished as we all do. Out of  fear, out of poor/weak life skills, my humanness overcame...but my soul is surging through it, and I ask your forgiveness for this and all my messiness. More to be displayed I know...but I've got this kiddos..I've got at a time.

Bursting out into your REAL self  after 46 years can be terrifying. It has been slow and cautious and now exploding. I wonder at the view from where you sit. I wish giving you popcorn and milk duds and a comfy chair would ease the tension parts. I get it that it doesn't . I get that your heart still races in the unknowing of the reforming Momma. I LOVE YOU. This is what I do know.  I am so anxious to be free of this damned co dependency that I mis-stepped. Again.  Instead of giving of my best self to your Dad...I withheld me. I didn't know then that extending my best self was the most potent way to stand my ground. I want you to know that we are cheating EVERYONE when we don't give them our best self. Kindness and thoughtful deeds ARE our best selves. Now that I have swum around in that silliness, I want to make clear so you can learn from me HOW SILLY that was. ADDED Kindness is OUR family rule. I broke it. Forgive me. I will ask your Dad's forgiveness. We all know I have it without asking. Another spiritual gift of your Dad's. Ripping off my stupidly nasty layers stinks. I am tired of stinch. Surely there is sweet smelling surprise inside about to be unveiled soon?

I am sorry I can't paint out for you the the HOW of our famly  "AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER" after picture.

I just lied. I immediately felt pricked. I'm not sorry.  I'm excited and mystified and eager to keep stepping forward on this unknown path of LOVE. I'm excited for the unexpecteds to reveal to us the HOW. What I'm sorry about is that I don't know yet how to  hold you in my arms so tight, that  you know without doubting, that no matter the HOW or the WHAT the pictures comes to look like,  ALL IS WELL.

It is you know. ALL IS WELL. Living our LOVE and TRUTH makes it so. That wrapped up feeling, that without a doubt feeling is part of our becoming Godly. It's living with them in the here and NOW. Its not waiting for that experience to happen in the next life. I pray you are speeded to that eternal hug state of being. Sit in it loves. Be held. And  I am holding you from here.

Goodness...what will next week bring ???Arms opened wide for ALL THE LOVE xxooxx

Sparkle and Shine...ADDED KINDNESS is OUR family rule.
The Momma