Sunday, March 2, 2014

SPRING...feels so CLOSE!!

It's Sunday morning. Another week full of miracles. I am still breathing IN them..

Before I plunge into mine..I wanted to note all the miracles Sam has been experiencing in his LOVE of the gospel and sharing his heart. And maybe take note of some of yours that came about this week?

My birthday. I made it. 51. NO CANCER. See Mom?

I knew I had some "stuff" with mom dying so early, but boy...there was more stuff than I thought. My heart still grieves when I think of how young you were when you left Mom. Here I am, so close to the age you left. I feel as if I have a whole OTHER life just NOW ahead of LEAST 30 plus more years. A life richer than can be written or described yet.

I can FEEL the life left  inside me. Depths to reach-- possible only by the foundation of loves and experiences that have preceded me. I can hardly sleep sometimes with the excitement of all to come.

The miracle is the peace that has come to me, the KNOWING, Mom, that your leaving early was PERFECT for you. Yes, even for the "use to be angry" me. hiding from the GODS or you...sometimes I am still angry. I want my kids to KNOW you...not just YOU knowing them here. I know now it was perfect for all of us. My speculations on WHAT could be more perfect than staying and sharing your life magic with us, leaves me empty. My vision is earth bound. I long for the heavens to open and show me specifics on WHAT could be more amazing for you than finishing things up with US?!!! Yet,  I trust. Thank you for the dream, the visit. I like so much that you come to me on my birthdays. I wish it were EVERY birthday. Thank you for flushing me with JOY. Thank you for giving me a living knowledge of the other sides reality. Thank you for my life Mum.Thank you for taking me on and bringing me here as a teenager. I can't imagine everything that accompanied bringing me here at such a young age. It makes me wonder at WHO both of us are that we trusted each other with that timing. We are LOVE. That's who we are.

Somehow my phone text setting got entangled with my facebook account and my birthday was the SWEETEST manifestation of the love. At one point I had 214 unread texts...birthday love pouring in. I still have 26 to wash over me. EARTH traditions ROCK!!! My heart committed to taking more time for all the people. I WILL learn I to work less, to navigate the connections of the Universe where time is more expansive. I want MORE TIME with so many. Especially you kids.

Robyn Openshaw's Sequoia that is EXACTLY what I want came up for sale...quirky details that aren't important has made it so it will be sold to someone else....the miracle was that I manifested it so quickly, and that ultimately it made me clear about the vehicle I want to drive. Always got me some "stuff" sorting to do. Had a lot of "stuff" around the 'green' issue of one woman driving around that size with that carbon footprint. Got the go ahead from the God's. I wouldn't be surprised one bit if something happens that it ends up with me. Of course I am smiling KNOWING I can manifest another.

Friday was the last day of the month....always an interesting day,- rushed, panicked,chaotic,- to assist everyone to their goal rank in Do Terra. I intended to create a different last day. I intended to be quiet. Peaceful. I intended to manage the stress and chaos into an organized, inspiring, perfect ending and new beginning for March. I intended to relax and take thought and time with each person as they called, trusting that there would be the perfect amount of anything needed to end with ALL at their goal achieved. There was more TO DO than time permitted. I called for time to expand. I had team members to support. People to recruit and product to share. My day was filled with supporting. PEOPLE contacted ME wanting product..4 to be exact. My numbers came in PERFECTLY. Not more. Not less .I am going to  intend MORE.

Jamie and Stewart had invited us to the ROOF that night  in Salt Lake to celebrate my birthday a few weeks earlier. When I accepted I was just thinking of how awesome it would be to be with them and to be THERE. My mind hadn't lined up with the fact that it WAS MONTH END!  When I realized the conflict, I knew it wasn't smart to leave and take those hours way, I was already SHORT TIME. But I wanted to go. I've been working HARD. I am learning to trust the Universe. I mediated that all would end perfectly. I would accept the outcome whatever it was, but I was intending a close at Diamond. I would give all the hours my best energy, but I was going to go with Jamie and feast and celebrate 25 plus years of friendship at a MOST EXQUISTE restaurant and setting in the middle of it all.  I gave my all to the very last minute. Went to a BEAUTIFUL evening with them...dinner was LUCIOUS...the lights of the city where MAGIC. Catching up was as delicious as the food. I had to keep wiping off and pushing to the floor this panic that I was not home inputting sign ups.

I kid you not...the enrolling system of the company was crashed and down the ENTIRE time I was with Nelson's!!! It came back up as our evening had ended. Because of  the crashed system the company gave us extra hours into March to hit our ranks. People would swear I make up the synchronicity in my life. I GET TO LIVE THIS CRAZY AWESOMENESS!!! As soon as I found out the system was back up we hurried home. You know the ending. Storybook. Heaven sent. All was perfect. All team members hit rank. Miracles. Sometimes I think if we were in earlier times people would burn me as a witch. I am still marveling. I will tell you from 11 to midnight I was in panic and had Dad and another of my favorite front line inputting and making calls like crazy. I was skirmish about trusting the peace I felt. Odd sensation.  With practice I will learn to better manage my trust. Peace is knowing and believing ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL Loveies....EVEN when it doesn't match up with our earthly HOPING. ALL IS WELL. ALL IS WELL. We just intend, move wholeheartedly in that direction, and trust the outcomes. And when it DOES match up with our earthly HOPING...we are given to more trusting and  knowing.

Ahhhhhhh...Creation. My Chickadees....I believe with all my heart that we came here EXACTLY to learn to manage the power of our creation. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CREATE???? What HAVE YOU CREATED??? (Freakazoid amazing stuff...make a head list will be smiling along with me!!!!) WHO are you  CREATING with??? Thank you for choosing ME to be apart of that. I AWE and leak tears that YOU trusted ME for your foundation. I AWE and rejoice that there is a VILLAGE to support us all. I saw that Spencer was reading MIND GYM the other day and did a momma's happy dance. WHO WILL YOU CREATE with??? You get to choose!!!! How, more loving, could the heavens be that WE get to choose????

Three miracles. I am sure there are more. I am working to manage my DOING so that I am not too busy and miss some in the busyness. I have been too BUSY with my creation. I am changing that. I am learning to manage my creation differently. There IS a middle place in creation like all other powers. I seek the Saints who understand this place to show me the way.  I laugh at myself as I am led to some of these Saints and then rebuke the very WAY that led them there. REALLY, I want you to read the AUTOBIOGRAPHY of a YOGI. I so believe. But no. I am NOT ready for a life of renunciation. I have so much MORE basic primal living I CHOOSE to partake in.  Isn't it soul joying to know that THERE ARE other levels, but that I can choose to finish out where I am before heading in a direction ill prepared? And that WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW is perfect?? Where WE are if perfect??And like all else..I swing on this pendulum from one far side to the other. Pretty sure this next 30 plus years is where I get to experience that middle place. I laugh because in the last 3 months I have been told by guides and I quote  "You are an all or nothing woman"   " You are either ON of OFF"  " YOU covet the middle ground but don't even have a clue as to what that looks like much less feels like."

I wanted to take a second and remind you what a dear, honest, handsome, integrity filled, kind, helpful, thoughtful, smart, diligent, concerned, loving man your Dad is. I know you can see by his life why I love him and chose him. I love your Dad. He loves me. We are both perfectly imperfect. It would be impossible to create what we have created (YOU) and not spend the eternities loving each other. I am grateful that we can all  laugh together at how different he and I are as people... and keep laughing at how different the life philosophies we live by are. I adore that you get to add YOUR dimensions of  LOVE and life philosophies to our mix. I am excited for all you will bring to us...and all that we have yet to embrace.

I am grateful that you can have 2 such different examples in your life of loving God and how that looks and works for each of us. As you know, I do not believe that there is only one way to the Gods.  To Godhood. I am grateful for Dad's patience now, for the changes he has made in my behalf and for his heart openings. Fear is a monster we both struggle with as I change.  I am grateful as I see him  laying  the fear down and seeing me. I am  grateful to come and experience a changing, moving, living love with him. Even on the days we don't like each other much. Opposition in all things. Have to have the bad to know the good. Grateful you have known the good between us and seen it up close. I love that Adam and Eve and that darn apple and tree of knowledge of good and evil got taught us first thing. Dad and I are the soul softeners for each other...The soul OPENERS for each other. We have been brow sweating it out diligently in the lone world and sometimes making it dreary. I choose to abolish dreary. I am grateful for the places the truth of our love will take us. I don't know where that will be. But fear has no home here with us. Only LOVE. Now we continue lessons of what love looks like and acts like...leaving the interpretation of others to themselves and doing our own work.

I want to apologize to you in my awakening of a realization of myself. I heard you saying this in our family counseling session, but forgive me...I DID NOT HEAR IT at the time. I kept chewing over your words...good thing. Your Dad's kindness and patience unmuted my marbled hearing.  MANY times this week I have found him aiding my causes when I have overloaded my plate. He washed the Sequoia. He helped me input Do Terra sign ups. He brought dinner home. He read a whole book about healing just cuz he is worried about gluten free and depression and the family health issues. He told me I was beautiful.  He took time to think about birthday gifts for you that would have meaning. He listened to me about what I wanted for my birthday. Being truly  listened to is a gift we are BOTH working on.I am so relieved that FINALLY I HEAR YOU and what you were saying to me.  Practice listening on everyone now loves. It will ease the road. I am grateful it is a skill we can learn.

This week Dad tended to me in ways that I have not tended to him in a long while. I think that was the hurt noticed and mentioned in our family session (how blessed are WE that we can have aid from gifted counselors who can teach us loving skills--and better ways???) were saying I have not been extending my true kindnesses to him as I do others. You spoke truth. Fear is such a life altering poison. I have been afraid and I have FEAR. I am sweeping it off me with these words of intent. Please forgive me for loving him less. I haven't tended to him as he deserves. He deserves to be cherished as we all do. Out of  fear, out of poor/weak life skills, my humanness overcame...but my soul is surging through it, and I ask your forgiveness for this and all my messiness. More to be displayed I know...but I've got this kiddos..I've got at a time.

Bursting out into your REAL self  after 46 years can be terrifying. It has been slow and cautious and now exploding. I wonder at the view from where you sit. I wish giving you popcorn and milk duds and a comfy chair would ease the tension parts. I get it that it doesn't . I get that your heart still races in the unknowing of the reforming Momma. I LOVE YOU. This is what I do know.  I am so anxious to be free of this damned co dependency that I mis-stepped. Again.  Instead of giving of my best self to your Dad...I withheld me. I didn't know then that extending my best self was the most potent way to stand my ground. I want you to know that we are cheating EVERYONE when we don't give them our best self. Kindness and thoughtful deeds ARE our best selves. Now that I have swum around in that silliness, I want to make clear so you can learn from me HOW SILLY that was. ADDED Kindness is OUR family rule. I broke it. Forgive me. I will ask your Dad's forgiveness. We all know I have it without asking. Another spiritual gift of your Dad's. Ripping off my stupidly nasty layers stinks. I am tired of stinch. Surely there is sweet smelling surprise inside about to be unveiled soon?

I am sorry I can't paint out for you the the HOW of our famly  "AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER" after picture.

I just lied. I immediately felt pricked. I'm not sorry.  I'm excited and mystified and eager to keep stepping forward on this unknown path of LOVE. I'm excited for the unexpecteds to reveal to us the HOW. What I'm sorry about is that I don't know yet how to  hold you in my arms so tight, that  you know without doubting, that no matter the HOW or the WHAT the pictures comes to look like,  ALL IS WELL.

It is you know. ALL IS WELL. Living our LOVE and TRUTH makes it so. That wrapped up feeling, that without a doubt feeling is part of our becoming Godly. It's living with them in the here and NOW. Its not waiting for that experience to happen in the next life. I pray you are speeded to that eternal hug state of being. Sit in it loves. Be held. And  I am holding you from here.

Goodness...what will next week bring ???Arms opened wide for ALL THE LOVE xxooxx

Sparkle and Shine...ADDED KINDNESS is OUR family rule.
The Momma

1 comment:

Kath said...

I love the way you write, Natalie! You are so descriptive and loving.