November 30 2013
It is the morning after, and it is still a bizarre, yet SWEET place for me to sit and get clear about Randy and me… someone I love, coming to me in his LOVE, and asking me to tell him how I got to this place of such (in his words)radical change (leaving the Mormon Church)….and then to have him ask me “what is your INTENTION now…how will you live?”
The bizarreness to me is my having been ALL of the ME that I have been-- knowing the pain but mostly happiness of the road I am traveling, --and yet cautious to swish my finger in his bucket…in ANYONE’s bucket. 50 years of earth life has taught me that swishing in other people’s buckets rarely produces the desired outcome. What I think I know can’t be given by a swish or a nod. And what I know for me is very likely NOT what is true for him, or you. But Randy LOVES me, and he asked…so to ALL who WANTED to ask, but feared it….to all WHO LOVE me and are worried…and with a smile—to those just downright curious….I am writing this out for all of us. Yes, me especially.
HOW WILL I LIVE? Or is the question really…HOW WILL I LOVE??? And I can’t help but feel that YOU also have MY same other question-- WHO IS YOUR GOD/s?
Randy Olsen, YOU are my true friend. Over 30 years of friendship and “gospel scholarship and sharing” has given us the platform to even entertain this love exchange. I am grateful. I love you. I am overwhelmed at the perfectness of my life and the friends I have accumulated…all of whose love has strengthened the I AM in me, bringing me to THIS, radically changed place.
These are the exact questions I have asked myself. I take comfort that you KNOW me. That you have sat in my office and SEEN the plethora of “prophets” I have sought to aid me in answering these questions. I realize the disappointment in many, that I would open my mind, life, love and world to these OTHER “philosophies of men”. There is no doubt in my soul or knowing that I came here to do exactly that. My deepest desires are first to find LOVE and TRUTH-- and then to wrap myself tightly in the HAPPINESS that that brings. I believe in an all knowing and all loving God/s--That I was created by them. Therefore, they above ALL others know when to make my heart burn with knowing and when to withhold those flames. They know the lessons I have come to experience. They then also know my heart. They know my intentions. They are the orchestration of who and what I choose and feel when I ask in earnest desire to KNOW TRUTH and HAPPINESS.
It makes me laugh to think how transparent we really are to each other. How EVERYONE who knows me knows I love me a Prophet--- (my definition) ANYONE or WRITING that brings me a new idea that leads to my greater happiness and JOY! And yes, maybe even a tad more, I love me a Prophetess. My female nature resonates with them more quickly at times. I thrill that I live in an age where women’s voices and knowings are heard. My being here NOW, is no mistake. And I am slurping up all I can according to the promptings and love levels in my being. I have embraced my humanness. I love me. I love YOU and your humanness and all that it teaches me. I love being HERE with ALL of you. I am frustrated at my imperfections when they cause pain to others and myself. I am frustrated at your imperfections when they cause me pain and others pain. I am learning to dissect pain in pieces now…to see the guidance and understandings that come to me/us through it. It turns our heads, our paths, our knowing. It shows us to look for OTHER WAYS. It leds me to prayers begging that I can love more perfectly. I have learned that we each choose our own pain…so MUCH for me to work on here. I am learning to CHOOSE differently. I am in wonderment at the beauty and love pain can hold when I look at it in new lights.
To those reading this who choose any form of pain at my leaving the Mormon church, I ask that you experiment and try holding me/my decision in new lights until you can see some love and beauty. Maybe you could focus on just ME and the new peace I feel --and the contentment-- and my new abilities to lay down the need to control things/people in my life. SO NOT PERFECT at the last bit, but SO merging into it!!! I am starting to point it out to those I love when I abstain from trying to control and just allow J I laughed when someone I love deeply told me that from what he can see, I am NOT happier in my new space. Odd isn’t it? How we can get wrapped up in our own feelings and be oblivious to anothers? I DO IT ALL THE TIME, so I was able to "get it". Something to think on….my feeling HAPPIER perceived by another as NOT AS HAPPY. Gratefully I get to EXPERIENCE for ME my CHOOSING and my HAPPINESS J.
Gratitude OOZES from deep within that just as my children are starting to FLY I am learning to LET GO of so much of what I had been taught in the name of THIS IS GODS WAY… and allow myself and THEM these NEW placesJ I am repenting for the agendas I placed on them and some I placed on you, and for the mounds I placed on me. I am breathing through our imperfect perfect decisions which ultimately lead us ALL to greater happiness and a sense of purpose. I hadn’t understood before how our IMPERFECTIONS are our PERFECTIONS. (Thank you Brene Brown for the joyous depths to which you have submerged and obliterated my expectations). Can I ever repay my children or YOU—each of you In my life for the optimal teaching you bring to my soul. I actually have FELT what Brene recently taught me for years…just ask anyone…are MY CHILDREN PERFECT??? Why, YES THEY ARE!!! And if you are MY FRIEND do I tell others YOU ARE PERFECT? Why yes I do. I have known this. I have FELT your perfectness. And I stand behind that even stronger now. The Pearl in this Oyster? SO AM I!!! I am perfectly imperfect. And to me…so are youJIf you feel lost in my poor attempt to explain the awesomeness of the truths Brene so brilliantly shares , read her books, take her class. And that pretty much blows up all the boxes I have tried to put around myself for SAFE LIVING AND LOVING. Rule boxes. Religion boxes. Must do and be boxes. No more boxes with labels THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY. I trust me. I trust you.
So if I blew them up, do I not believe that the God/s have rules? Of course I do...and so does the Universe...there is gravity and death and law of the harvest. Yes I do. For ME, I believe there is ONE. Love. Maybe in another life I will advance to more. I mean this in all humility. I realize when I hear prophets speak and see the works of astro physicists, and the businesses my friends have created that I AM A BABY here amongst true Gods. I am HONORED to share this space with you. I came with grit and determination and spunk and tenacity and enthusiasm and HOPE…and I’m gonna catch up J..at least I’m gonna GET THERE some life. My God/s want my imperfect perfection. If you are rejoicing with me as you read this, lets just hold each other in our space for a minute. If you are instead inundated with questions to pelt at me, I ask that you hold them in your space and confirm your OWN answers to yourself . I have more lifetimes to live until I have experience to field them. I have also learned that finger swishing in MY BUCKET doesn’t work. If you want to really connect with me…come to me with YOUR LOVE and patience. Leave your fear of my not knowing what you know in your space. Trust me. Trust that I will get it figured out. Trust that my soul’s desire is to BE a LOVE MAGNET! Bring me your trust in what you know and your gentleness and kind words. And that will be enough.
From what I’ve learned so far, MY God/s care about one thing…and that is MY CONNECTION to them. The connection that allows me personal tutoring into this LOVE THANG I am so enamored with. Forgive me when I am slow to embrace it. And I will forgive you. I have this new TRUST in me, and IN EACH of you. A TRUST that comes from knowing that we are the creations of a God. We are perfect in our imperfectness…until we aren’t.
I realize that to many people, those I DEEM as Prophets would seem sacrilegious. Please relax and release yourself from the expectation that I might expect the same from you. I do not. Having lived/loved in the space of believing that only certain MEN in authority have the ability to speak for God-- -, and therefore sometimes for ME…I UNDERSTAND that space. It didn’t work for me. It was LYING for me to say that all of THEIR WORDS represented the GOD/s I know , and therefore me. YEARS of my own personal experiences kept leading me to questions, and MORE questions, and NOT feeling RIGHT in my heart about their truths. (Polygamy, Holy Ghost, Church as a business, Patriarchy, stand on gays, missionary rules, enabling)
The heavens and each of YOU know that it was MY SEEKING that brought me to this RADCIAL CHANGE. And that it did not just start 6 years ago. LOTS of THINKING. LOTS OF PRAYING.Trial and error. Watching the lives around me. Personal interpretation of YOUR happiness levels. Happiness and unhappiness. This all brought me straight here. Now I speak through my heart and out of my soul with no fear. I allow for misunderstandings in my knowings. I thrill at how quickly the universe races in with new light on truths and from whence they come when I have truths to redefine. I am a masterpiece in progress. It is MY understanding as I look out across all the worlds on my world, that there are many forms of happiness to experience. I did not say LEVELS. I wrote forms. I do believe in levels however…PERSONAL levels, not levels where we could possibly compare ourselves to one another. There is JOY here for the taking. My rule? MY GOD’S RULE? LOVE! LOVE BRINGS ME JOY. Practice creating LOVE Natalie. Practice practice practice. I have learned that those who know how to manage the power of their creation of happiness are not threatened or fearful or sad for me being on my own path. They trust me. They know I am here to get it right. These are the people, the SAINTS, I seek.
Many people have asked “can’t you see that the church is changing…yes its slow…but its changing!!! A woman gave a prayer at conference!!” I am smiling. Have you EVER known this creation of ME to be snail paced? And OF COURSE I have asked myself if there isn’t a lesson inTHAT in there for me…there is ALWAYS a lesson there for ALL of us. But WHO decides my pace? ME…not another person. My truth is my truth NOW…I have not experienced a God who makes me WAIT…I can live whatever, whenever I am ready. But I have seen that HUMANS wait. I have seen that I WAIT until I feel it’s safe. Love is safety. I waited till I was so sure of GODS love of me in this new place before I had the courage to speak it. And to be honest, I made sure I had the love of some friends. Love holds courage. I am loved. I came here to Live/LOVE ME!! I choose to speak/live /love my truth NOW. I don’t feel a need to wait. My happiness is defined by a space where women and men are viewed with the same respect in my God/s eyes…with the same light, knowledge, powers, opportunities, education and blessings. My truth does not use gender or roles to disperse these life elements. Blessings and enlightenment are not metered out only or MORE, on the chosen who covenant to living an obedient, God’s rules only, in the box, life. Remember: I am only speaking MY TRUTH. These beliefs, practices did NOT WORK for me. In my new WORKING FOR ME space, I have lived/ been LOVED in to a knowing that life is messy and messy is how we learn. Getting dirty and learning to clean it off is JOY bringing. Its soul skill building. And some of that dirt I choose to let linger as a kind remembrance. In MY space this loving is so PERSONAL. Blessings are poured freely on those in the arena LOVING in imperfect love. My purest intentions of goodness are baffled by the inconsistency of things… I am awed at the duality and paradox in the scriptures, in lives being lived, and in heavenly and earth teachings. Most of it does not make sense to me. What makes sense? Love and the JOY it brings me.
I am comforted that if you know me you know to date my greatest life JOYS have been in my MOTHERING. I will treasure this experience through the eternities. I would not change a thing about the gift of being able to be home with them till they were all in elementary school. This is a debt I could never repay Don. I LOVED that role. I feel the foundation that role brings to children in their progression. Living in a day where I have witnessed other women and other ways and their children, I am fascinated at the transformations of our society. Walls are falling. Pain and transition is being reshaped into love and beauty. I walked into a space of peace and happiness for me. I am living/loving my truth. There are those who feel I have missed so much in choosing to embrace my different truths. I can comfort you with your own current belief of a 1000 year millennium. I have only lived here 50 years. If I have this 1000 years, with a perfectly imperfect heart, I believe I WILL find my way. My way is happiness and I have that now.
So love me in my imperfection and humor me in my path, and smother me with long held hugs. You know how much I love to be hugged. That is when I get to have glimpses of that other love I’ve been wrapped in that I WILL learn to create for me full time, every waking second. I know this is also frustrating to some…MY TRUTH KEEPS CHANGING. I think what you want to understand is what does MY SPACE LOOK LIKE NOW?? In this space…I have my own voice with my own God/s who are crazy mad in love with me, who embrace me and chuckle when I misstep, who assist in turning me in happier directions, who stand at the ready to guide me when I ask ,and shower me minute by minute with all things that lead me to BEING greater LOVE.
This is were sometimes the energy gets funky and others think that I think MY WAY is better than theirs, or that I want others to follow me. I have no desire to JUDGE anyone for being in THEIR space. I have no desire to judge ANYONE for any space they are choosing to live in. I believe EVERY SPACE is foundational for the spaces to come. My Mormon foundation is precious to me. So I lied…I do WANT you to follow me…I want you to FOLLOW ME ON YOUR PATH to happiness. I want you to KNOW what that LOOKS and FEELS Like for YOU and for YOU to have the courage to create it. I know that HAPPINESS looks so DIFFERENT on almost everyone I meet. AND I’VE BEEN LOOKING!!!!!!! I also know what it looks like and feels like when there isn’t a lot of Happiness. This is a fascinating study in and of itself to me. I have “Squirreled”. I am back now. This was one of my first steps towards what you regard as my radical change. From the scriptures to RUMI to Kate Braestrup to Oprah’s super soul Sunday…. I allowed whatever truth worked for me to work its magic in softening my human fierceness and imperfections. After spending MUCH TIME in meditation, STUDY and observation, these VERY QUESTIONS have brought me to this NEW PLACE of radical change as you perceive it.
WHAT IS MY INTENTION?? HOW WILL I LIVE/LOVE?? With the BESTEST I got in me on the days I’m not too tired. I had to merge that LIVE with LOVE because they are ONE to me. And WHO IS YOUR GOD? Most people don’t like when I answer this, I am sorry for the uncomfortable place I put you in when I give you my true answer, but it is MY current truth, and it is COMFORTABLE to ME….I DON’T KNOW exactly WHO MY GOD/S are. They are evolving as I do. But this I know. THEY ARE LOVE and LIGHT and GOODNESS and KINDNESS and TRUTH and HAPPINESS. Whoever the Gods of the Old Testament are surely allows me this space…as whoever THEY were totally morphed into the new RADICAL PLACE of the New Testament.
I no longer regularly attend the Mormon church and no longer participate in Temple attendance or church meetings.
No, I don’t miss some of the people because I SEE THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY…my friendships were never confined to a building or organization.
How do I feel congruent about not taking a priesthood blessed sacrament? My God accepts my sacraments DAILY in my hot tub meditations. Yes he told me so.
How do I dare possibly take responsibility for knocking my children off of their religious foundation I gave them? First, I don’t take responsibility for others choices anymore, even if I was large part of their opinion forming. Second, I am thrilled that I have given them the foundation that brought me to MY path and I TRUST THAT THEY WILL BE LED TO/ON THEIRS. I love my children, they are my life/ LOVE PARTNERS to infinity and beyond NO MATTER WHAT CHOICES THEY MAKE IN TESTING OUT THEIR POWER OF THEIR HAPPINESS CREATIONS. They are smarter than me, and will be much and are ALREADY much quicker life studiers, with a sense of self that I envy.
Yes, I miss the children in Primary. But you can see how some parents would feel uncomfortable with me.I will not teach 4 year olds how to count one penny out of a dime and that they no matter what give that to GODS CHURCH. I will however give them examples of the happiness that comes to us when we reach out to others .
What about Tithing? I believe in it. I believe in giving back--10% seems reasonable because I’m human and left to my own I might think 1 %. But I have lived and loved long enough to know that the NEED is greater than 1%. Actually, I’m not a fan of magic numbers. But what I LOVE? Is participating and knowing when and where God directs me to give it. I participate with THEM in the love choosing and giving. I believe that ALL I have and do and become is of them ANYWAY.
How will I feel when I am in the waiting room of the temple when my children marry there. HAPPY, THRILLED! that their lives are on the path THEY CHOOSE!!!
How do you deal with being “projected” by church members who love you, but some are assigned, and want you to “find your way back”. Honestly, I’m still human and sometimes exasperated. It s crazy to get a”love letter” in the mail from someone who has the calling but has NEVER spoken to you in their life OR has had very superficial conversations with you. Love is real to me. You can’t pretend it. Not accepting me in my new space is not loving FOR ME. I get that in other lights they are frustrate that I don’t Accept their offering as love. A natural sifting has occurred. But then there is the other side, the duality I cannot deny. Through the “projecting” I have a front row seat to some of the most pure intent I have encountered.
I am so human. I live/love imperfectly. I LOVE BEING HUMAN! I love having a participant’s role in this messy lesson learning field! I am HONORED to live at a time when the earth is flooded with “prophets and prophetesses “---MASTERS at enlightening the way through this thick and gooey and sweet and smelly and heavenly and out and out HELL-- LOVE place. I believe I CHOSE YOU to be with here
I can SEE my growth. I can FEEL new depths of love and forgiveness and awareness. I judge less frequently. I can see that I am not spending enough time enjoying the journey. This new “radical change” place has allowed me to have compassion for myself in my imperfections, to step away from doctrines that do not bring me happiness, to STAND IN MY TRUTH, to questions my thoughts but NOT my heart, to see others much more kindly, it created a new compassion for you and everyone else that shares my earth space. Randy, THANK YOU for taking the time to come and be with me and do the love check in. Your dream was so on purpose. YOU are the vehicle that initiated this creation. My gas tank is full. I have just written my Declaration of Independence and my LOVE MANIFESTO wrapped up in one.
THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU BIG….and all the rest of you too…
Won’t it be exciting to SEE where I am next year this time?????