Last week my Dad asked me WHERE I'm doing my writing....why I'm not posting here. Firstly, it makes me cry that my Dad KNOWS that I am definitely STILL writing SOMEWHERE. Secondly I love that he wants access to my heart.
I AM STILL WRITING.
My heart begged to be wrapped up for a bit.
To date, I have 22 love letters and 2 books (look at all those 2's) ....some anonymous, some not. Each sent to me from the deepest and most sincere love places. Each a call to change my heart and change my path.
I read every word. Because I LOVE YOU. Because I WANT to KNOW what the people I love are seeing and feeling from me.
Who is SO LOVED that they get 22 letters?
HOW COULD I NOT TAKE NOTE AND WONDER DEEPLY IF I WAS MAJORLY SCREWING UP THE WORLD FOR ME AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE???
My pulling back on sharing my life processing in writing is heart protection. This Blog is where I shared. This is where the love letters where inspired. I chose to quit inspiring. I am not strong enough nor emotionally mature enough to hold some of that love. I am NOT mocking or angry with my use of the word love here. I MEAN THIS. KNOW ME. TRUST ME. Trust the truth of these words as you have my others. I need/choose minutes/hours/years to check my soul and get clear on loving ME.
I WILL share again at some point...I am sharing NOW. It has been work to love myself. I went to confusion and self doubt when I got the first few love letters calling to redirect my heart. They were such a GIFT to me. Byron Katie, Jesus, Brene Brown, Wayne Dayer, Elder Holland, and so many more joined me in taking the words of love and fear full on. I want to remind my lovers that I am JUST a real woman here, working out my HAPPY. I hope and pray to do it as kindly as possible. I had no intention of causing pain to others...only transforming my own.
I want to be clear. I experience feeling sinner. I experience causing disappointment, I experience acting LESS. I experience feeling liar...and hormonally imbalanced, mid life crisis, poor diet, unresolved childhood issues, false prophet follower, true prophet follower, no follower, no love for myself....and all the issues seen in me. I claim it. I take responsibility and accountability. Please, PLEASE BELIEVE ME when I tell you: I am doing the best I can...and I am doing it with oh oh oh so carefully measured steps...until I'm NOT, and most moments with my WHOLE HEART.
Life for me IS relationships. I screw my relationships up sometimes. I really REALLY HATE THAT. I know from experience that leaves residue on everyone. I know from experience WE ALL DO. Please, please, take the residue I leave and pour love all over it, and I will do the same with yours. Posting my heart writing volcano erupted residue.
I have been writing and not sharing about
SOME THINGS I AM KNOWING
THIS I KNOW:
Gods placed me here.
They are crazy mad in LOVE with me. I am a favorite. Daily they prove it.
They are ALL KNOWING.
They are ALL POWERFUL.
They knew ME before I came.
They trust my heart, my head, my thoughts, my doings, my love, my mind, my soul, my body, my choosing. THEY TRUST ME. No loving God would have sent me here to learn by experience and then judge me for FAILING.Failing feels miserable. Successful experiences feel HAPPY. They just keep pointing/turning me to the HAPPY. I get turned a lot. Turn turn turn turn. They trust with enough turning I will choose HAPPY! THEY'VE GOT ME THRU THIS. I am held, wrapped, inspired by their LOVE and turning.
Their love GIVES ME GUTS to act on what my heart knows NOW.
I have much more to know. They have sent prophets from all times and all places across our world to show me the way.
There are many ways and I like to take note of proof of that.
Yes, I believe Ghandi and Mother Theresa are in heaven.
YOU are my prophets and show me ways.
We lead each other in light and love...IMPERFECTLY.
They gave me my heart that BURNS when I need to pay attention...they gave me TINGLING SENSATION up my spine and out the top of my head when I am presented truth. There are other gifts they have given me....I use my gifts in gratitude.
I find peace in GODS KNOWING my heart --filled with questions--- endless doings and practices ---seeking to KNOW them and you and myself better---seeking to BE LIKE THEM--to GET THIS JOURNEY RIGHT---the sincerity of my I AM.
I am defining and redefining what a partner relationships looks like. WE ARE ALL PARTNERS. No matter the title or role we play.
I am wobbly at life. Meaning I am wobbly at relationships. You know me. obviously YOU and ME---we have a history. So you DO know. THANK YOU, cuz...STILL...just STILL... you are coming to connect with me.
With my GOD GRACED HEART I burned the letters and books and the residue (MINE and yours), on the full moon-- bathed in the NEW LOVE that is mine.
Dad. Thanks for asking.
I AM HAPPY
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)