Sunday, June 28, 2015

Last week my Dad asked me WHERE I'm doing my writing....why I'm not posting here. Firstly, it makes me cry that my Dad KNOWS that I am definitely STILL writing SOMEWHERE. Secondly I love that he wants access to my heart. 


My heart begged to be wrapped up for a bit. 

To date, I have 22 love letters and 2 books (look at all those 2's) ....some anonymous, some not. Each sent to me from the deepest and most sincere love places. Each a call to change my heart and change my path. 

 I read every word.  Because I LOVE YOU. Because I WANT to KNOW what the people I love are seeing and feeling from me.

 Who is SO LOVED that they get 22 letters?


Notes taken. 

My pulling back on sharing my life processing in writing is heart protection. This Blog is where I shared. This is where the love letters where inspired. I chose to quit inspiring. I am not strong enough nor emotionally mature enough to hold some of that love. I am NOT mocking or angry with my use of the word love here.  I MEAN THIS. KNOW ME. TRUST ME.  Trust the truth of these words as you have my others. I need/choose minutes/hours/years to check my soul and get clear on loving ME. 

I WILL share again at some point...I am sharing NOW. It has been work to love myself.   I went to confusion and self doubt when I got the first few love letters calling to redirect my heart. They were such a GIFT to me. Byron Katie, Jesus, Brene Brown, Wayne Dayer, Elder Holland, and so many more joined me in taking the words of love and fear full on. I want to remind my lovers that I am JUST  a real woman here, working out my HAPPY.  I  hope and pray to do it as kindly as possible. I had no intention of causing pain to others...only transforming my own. 

  I want to be clear.  I experience feeling sinner. I experience causing disappointment, I experience acting  LESS. I experience feeling liar...and hormonally imbalanced, mid life crisis, poor diet, unresolved childhood issues, false prophet follower, true prophet follower, no follower,  no love for myself....and all the issues seen in me. I claim it. I take responsibility and accountability.  Please, PLEASE BELIEVE ME  when I tell you: I am doing the best I can...and I am doing it with oh oh oh so carefully  measured steps...until I'm NOT, and most moments with my WHOLE HEART. 

Life for me IS relationships. I screw my relationships up sometimes. I really REALLY HATE THAT.  I know from experience that leaves residue on everyone. I know from experience WE ALL DO. Please, please, take the residue I leave and pour love all over it, and I will do the same with yours. Posting my heart writing volcano erupted  residue. 

I have been writing and not sharing about 

 Gods placed me here. 
They are crazy mad in LOVE with me. I am a favorite. Daily they prove it.
They knew ME before I came.
They trust my heart, my head, my thoughts, my doings, my love, my mind, my soul, my body, my choosing. THEY TRUST ME. No loving God would have sent me here to learn by experience and then judge me for FAILING.Failing feels miserable. Successful experiences feel HAPPY. They just keep pointing/turning me to the HAPPY. I get turned a lot. Turn turn turn turn. They trust with enough turning I will choose HAPPY! THEY'VE GOT ME THRU THIS.  I am held, wrapped, inspired by their LOVE and turning.
 Their love GIVES ME GUTS to act on what my heart knows NOW.
I have much more to know. They have sent prophets from all times and all places across our world to show me the way.
 There are many ways and I like to take note of proof of that.
 Yes, I believe Ghandi and Mother Theresa are in heaven. 
YOU are my prophets and show me ways. 
We lead each other in light and love...IMPERFECTLY.
They gave me my heart that BURNS when I need to pay attention...they gave me TINGLING SENSATION up my spine and out the top of my head when I am presented truth. There are other gifts they have given me....I use my gifts in gratitude.
I find peace in GODS KNOWING my heart --filled with questions--- endless doings and practices ---seeking to KNOW them and you and myself better---seeking to BE LIKE THEM--to GET THIS JOURNEY RIGHT---the sincerity of my I AM. 
I am defining and redefining what a partner relationships looks like. WE ARE ALL PARTNERS. No matter the title or role we play.

I am wobbly at life. Meaning I am wobbly at relationships. You know me. obviously YOU and ME---we have a history. So you DO know. THANK YOU, cuz...STILL...just STILL... you are coming to connect with me.
 With my GOD GRACED HEART I burned the letters and books and the residue (MINE and yours), on the full moon-- bathed in the NEW LOVE that is mine. 
Dad. Thanks for asking. 

Summer 2015

 This is Michael Bo Bikel...LOVER OF LIFE ADVENTURE!!! One more thank you to him from the Momma for not telling or showing me until AFTER he was safely on the ground. And hey..he's got skills...he changed his own brake pads :) These Harris men are busting new molds.  WE REALLY MISS YOU BUD and are in unanimous agreement that its time for YOU  to come home. xox

 Spencer on his way to be with Stephen at his many GREAT FRIENDS in our lives. They feel like babies to me...because I knew them when they were BABIES! The continuation of Stephen's Happily Ever After below. He got a looker! Welcome to the Family Brittany xox

 Ahhhhhhhhh....LOOK AT THIS!!! They are having a FAMILY NIGHT...Did I tell you I LOVE THEM????? Owen turned 8...eight IS Great!!!Megs continuing on the tradition of breakfast in bed! This is a group of FUN happening all day every day!

These are WOMEN I LOVE...Sheri came to town for an energy healing workshop and Jer came down to feel the love...haven't seen either in so long it was great to have them!!!!

Spencer gets groomsman of the year award...think he's been in 5 or 6 weddings so far this summer! These are the BROTHERS! Tyler is the lucky man this day xox

 Miss Kelsey got married.

 Sam thinks about getting married :) This will cause a stir! I write this in jest...but EVERY newly returned missionary is thinking hard...IF it ended up being one just like Holly here, we'd be HAPPY DANCING...Holly is from England and works with Sam.  Summer Flirting is FUN!
 Dan...being Dan...keeping our hearts wrapped up tight.

 Our family transitioning is bringing us incredible people who teach us even more about love and HAPPINESS.  We are grateful for Marjorie xxooxx  And we LOVE that smile on Dad's face:)

Now Josh a Rouser. We will probably spend our lifetime NOT having pictures of him because he hates them so much...I think I already posted this...BUT I LOVE IT SO is SO MANY of the people I LOVE!! The family went to Seattle and LOVED him up right!
Some FAVORITE news....Mr. Josh and Miss Therese have moved into a very EMPTY apartment together....if you are in the Seattle area drop by and drop off some LOVE...

As I have been writing I have been watching morning come. The sun has just crested the mountain and is pouring across my desk, face and heart. I am wrapped in LOVE. My heart is pounding.

 It is the Sabbath. I have never loved a Sabbath more than I do now. Rest. SWEET REST.  Age is such a gift. Life is the PERFECT experience.  Life is MINE.  I am in love with my coming to this life. 

I belong to the Gods. The GODS GAVE ME GUTS....enough guts to get me here. HERE I AM.   I awe that WE get to come and BE here together. I LOVE MY WORLD. 
I AM HERE when the collective consciousness chose LOVE over discrimination and separation. I am here when facebook is covered in  RAINBOWS. 
I AM HERE when science and scripture and heart are merging into yet another NEW COVENANT.
I AM HERE with eyes, ears, heart...and now mouth...WIDE OPEN ---as I watch, hear, feel and speak the wonders of the LOVE I am experiencing.

BUT,........ I still get scared. 

SOMETIMES I feel alone, ugly, fat, old, judgmental, dumb, tired, insensitive ,...  just all cellulite, warts, moles, chin hairs and deep dark black hole.

Only sometimes.  MOSTLY....heart thumping excited for who and what will be coming to me in my day. 

There are people I want you to SEE/KNOW.....

 I am struck at the beauty of the transition from High School to now...look what love can cannot be hidden...her can see that she will wrap you up and tend to you...and so she did. Keep reading xxooxx

I am excited! I have created a blog to focus on the amazing around us. I would love to have you share in the journey...

Hello, friends known and soon to be, I needed to create a haven, a sanctuary for the positive and beautiful all around us. A place of kindness and respect where we search in the brightest light for...

 I introduced you to Bentinho...and now...HEREEEEEES MATT! His You Tube stuff will blow your heart open xxooxx

What if every time you got upset, got angry, felt hurt, felt unseen, yelled at someone, yelled at yourself, hurt yourself, indulged a bad habit, judged yourself, judged another, looked at something in disgust, ignored someone, planned revenge, gave someone a cold shoulder, ran away, planned a getaway, longed for quiet time, pretended to care, froze.....
What if every time something came up like sat down and you just asked the emotion
(also known as the voice of your sweet inner child)....
"Why are you here? What is it that you want to tell me?"
and this time, what if you really really listened?
And after you listened, what if you told it what it had never been told?
What if you said....
"It is okay to be upset. You can feel whatever you want to feel. I will sit here and listen. I am not leaving you."
"I know what it feels like to be angry and I am not going be angry as long as you want to.
"You matter to me so much. Know that I finally see you."
"I am sorry. I am sorry that I never listen to you. I love you."
"You have had it hard. And I want you to know that I hear you this time. And I will keep you safe."
"I get why you have hidden yourself away. It IS scary and it IS not fair. I love you. I love you and I get why you feel this way."
"I know why you can't move forward. I see you. I honestly see you and I am matter what you feel. I am not going to leave you or ignore you again."
"I didn't realize. I didn't mean to hurt you. I did ignore you and I have been so mean to you but I promise I didn't know. Please forgive me and allow me to love you the way you deserve to be loved."
"Oh, and you never have to do anything to get my love anymore. Whether you make a mistake or not. I love you. You are whole to me."
What if that WAS the answer?
What if all this struggle and trying to "do it right" was only keeping you in the cycle of pain?
What said it out loud to your little self?
Right now.
heart emoticon

Sunday, June 21, 2015

This seems like a song for lovers...but its a song for a momma too.....

  1. The Luckiest
    Song by Ben Folds
  2. I don't get many things right the first time
    In fact, I am told that a lot
    Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
    Brought me here
    And where was I before the day
    That I first saw your lovely face?
    Now I see it everyday
    And I know
    That I am
    I am
    I am
    The luckiest
    What if I'd been born fifty years before you
    In a house on a street where you lived?
    Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
    Would I know?
    And in a white sea of eyes
    I see one pair that I recognize
    And I know
    That I am
    I am
    I am
    The luckiest
    I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
    Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
    And one day passed away in his sleep
    And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
    And passed away

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Let's write some our Story TOGETHER!!!

Oh my LOVEIES!!! Can we read it together and TALK....I mean WRITE WRITE WRITE???