August 25, 2017

It's been a year.

Hello NEW NATALIE.

I am laughing. NEW NATALIE??  I see maybe I'm not so NEW after all--as I read thru my last post. Fear. And wanting to be loved. Still the headliner on my LIVE show.

Another year of FEAR done. And another year of LOVING passed. I have FEARED DEEP and LOVED HARD.  Memorably, for all the eternities. The trembling for both is real and visible. Thank you. Just THANK YOU to every "one", everything, every situation, every delight, every problem figured and those still NOT figured, every new understanding digested and application attempted.... every every.

I want to put ALL the names on BOTH--the FEARS and the LOVES-- in gratitude and frustration.  It feels like I would be disrespecting sacred ground if I did. I won't name specific people's names.

Soooooo....since last August:I have seen an ECLIPSE in TOTALITY. I have seen a BABY BORN LIVE xxooxx. I survived winter in Logan, Utah  all the while  re-falling in love with my little brothers---so crazy mad in love with them and HOW they love and show up for me.  Missed my hot tub TERRIBLY. Wondered if the world might consider a female president whose only qualifications are STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT (I kind of remember parliamentary procedure) and my motherhood. I have felt helpless as an American citizen. I kept my insurance as it was raised from $487 to $957 for this single barren woman.  I've read 43 odd books with a few others glazed through.  I bought a new car all by myself--I got to choose EVERYTHING and I was shocked that I wanted BLACK on black..but I did...and I love it! I named her MADONNA because WISDOM comes from the darkness :)  I have loved on the stars -ASTROLOGY! And understanding the Tarot as it lays out for us all the levels of human consciousness.  The beautiful silken threads that are woven through this tapestry of life that CANNOT be pulled apart just drop my jaw! Sad for the necessary daily routine of checking for insulting chin hairs in the sunlight of a car rear view mirror.  Added myself as DEVOTEE to yet another ascended master-- Kuan Yin.   Got a speeding ticket. Kept my commitment to meditation. Experienced a few Expression Sessions. Gathered some incredible new friends, and held hard to some of the old.  Still pondering GOD/GODDESSES. Cherished being held by family who law would dictate are no longer mine. Relished that words on paper do not MAKE or BREAK energetic love bonds. Workshopped with Dr. Joe Dispenza, Byron Katie, Kyle Cease, Shaman Tammy Goldthorpe,  Matt Kahn, Martha Beck, Brene Brown, Oprah, and Deepak. I gained 17 more pounds and battle the self hate of fat and feeling ugly and hating to buy clothes. Yet, thwart the discipline that would bring change.   LOVED ME A RIVER and WINDOWS and FULL MOONS, sunbathing naked.  Unable to find a home I want to buy at a wise purchase price. Boated with my kids. Felt grown up a few times. Changed therapists twice. Found THE massage therapist of all time. Slept outside in my backyard :) Took lots of pictures of random things I want to hold in memory. Marveled at how many shades of GREEN there are in this world.  My intuitive "pictures" in my head have increased and my dreams have become interactive.  I discovered the JOY of compost tea to a gardener's heart. I see the magic of the people from my early years returning to finish the sharing/healing. I  ingested TED TALKS galore. Discovered  Pod casts :) :) :)  And super cool phone apps!I have shared the love and high vibration of essential oils with ALOT ALOT peeps. I grew. I learned super important skills and philosophies in business. Bought a guitar and gave a guitar as a love gift. Sincerely embraced PARADOX and oppostites...which shed joy back into scripture reading of all the religions scriptures.  Thrilled at the theater!  Had a magical Fairy Birthday Party with Megs.  I have returned to Yoga, running, dancing. FOUND OUT I WILL BE A GRANDMA again through Megan in December....

Whoa. I had no idea...so much in one year.  Hello Natalie. NEW NATALIE.

My focus has been to be fiercely GENTLE...that when I go into judgement -- I will lift myself AGAIN and AGAIN to compassion. I might should take out the word fierce because I get stuck there.
But I have experienced some success in this..and the FEELING of those times breeds the desire for more like it. My every day,  my every experience testifies how little I know, and how much more there is to LOVE....just as it is. Even and especially, including ME, just as I AM.