Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Memorial Day 2016

 I LOVE when the flowers are EVERYWHERE....so much LOVE remembered.
 Funny what came up as I layed here under the most perfect BLUE sky. Weeding. Wheat grits. Bam Bam Specials (whole wheat pancakes that only the dog would eat SOMETIMES). Begging to go to Hawthorne to the Library. Batches of baby animals, all knowing she would tend to them or get them to the pound. Dying her hair. Not getting her hair wet in the pool. She loved Daises best of all. She loved cat tails...and I was surrounded by them on my Kayak trip earlier in the day. Hanging laundry. Tending. Strawberry Short cake for my birthday. Picking Blueberries. Gathering Pecans. Melrose Bay. Nana. Robinson's grocery. Trips to the dump. Nursing the boys in the car on the way home from church. Datsun B210 with hole in the floor. Cheese slicer from my hope chest. Explaining the Olympics. Shaving legs conversation. And ALOT of other stuff....
 G-mom hid peanut butter cookies from Grandad just for her and me. She would make "dippy" eggs so I could dip my toast in the soft yoke. I got to go find the chicken egg and wait to see if it was a double yoker----almost always was---MAGIC CHICKEN. Gave me a tiny diamond ring when I was 4 and I lost it in the dirt while making mud pies. Carrots and turnips. Knitting. Teaching me to knit. Sleeping out in the trailer by the back shed in the winters. Teaching me silly songs.."Oh I wish I was a little bar of soap...Oh I wish I was a little bar of soap...I would slippy and a slidey over everybody's hiney oh I wish I was a little bar of soap.".  Alone... soooo far away in Canada. McIntosh Caramel. Talking with Mom in the car about life and man choices. Collapsing at Mums grave. Watching her, and GrandDad as she left this world.
Eating his Rolaids like candy. HAPPY JUICE (coffee flavored cream and sugar) Smoker. BBQing. HUGE GARDEN. Eating his cherry tomatoes. Nap time on the cot in his room. Snorring. The Royal Family. Cussing with gusto. Jokes. Philosophy...so much I have adopted...WHO KNEW? War stories and atrocities. The FARM. Ray. Mowing the acres. onions. Eggs and Bacon every morning. Pork Chops. Smell of his garage. Fly strips. Car collection (just realized I probably got my car attachment from him!!!! Don't think he ever sold off one of his vehicles...he just kept them...even after they didn't work!!! Whoa!  "I love you Sissy" said to my Momma. The way he would hug her. They way he always asked "Are you alright?" And then he'd look deep in her eyes. Learning that he pair skated with my Mom. Meeting his family in Thunder Bay in my 40's. Genealogy on my Scottish side. His humor. Wiffle birds. Heart Monitor. Morning Paper at the table with his coffee. Stock checks. Shooting skunks. Wild Turkeys. Politics. Prejudice. WHERE IS GOD?  "right now, this minute, YOU are my favorite girl". Weirdo dream about the attic. War medals. Sunday night dances at the legion.
 Sometimes, some DAYS are just more significant. I woke and ran the canyon with my besties. Then, for YEARS I have had this magazine cut out of a project I wanted to do with the kids....a fish pond in a barrel...and today was the day. I LOVE HOME DEPOT...it was one stop get it all. Meg and I had more fun than the boys. We can hardly wait till Wednesday when it will be ready for the fish. My heart beats fast as I see Megan love creating her own MAGIC garden space of her own. I LOVE my life.
After the garden magic, Josh and Christine and I took the kayaks out in MY :) lake till it ends at the 11th hole,, got out, drug them, over the golf green into the rest of the lake....into a windy 2 mile path that opens into Utah Lake. I kept erupting with happiness. I wanted the world to come share the beauty of it all...but not all at once. I loved that we didn't pass a soul till we got  into Utah lake. I was surrounded by cat tails...,one of my moms favorites.
Some of the most interesting health benefits of cattail include its ability to reduce pain, speed wound healing, prevent infections, slow bleeding, and prevent cancer.
 The way back was interesting...between going against the wind and the shallow water it took twice as long to get back and I even got out and just walked it a good ways. But I felt the HAPPY of just being in the world...of being IN the water...of wind and sun and sand and birds and carp and my Joshy and my really being alone but not alone. I felt everything I had ever loved about any life that I have lived come to my chest and vibrate there.
I was so grateful to be born So grateful to my Mother...eager to take flowers to her grave. So grateful to everyone ahead of me who made the way so I could come. They knew the way here would be easy...but the way back would be windy and alone and some parts I would just have to stand up and drag my butt to the next smooth , deeper spot.
I layed in Springville Cemetery with the days end sun on my freshly showered skin and freshly washed hair. GrandDad liked it when my hair was WILD and bushy. "look like a true Scot". I knew mom would like my body wash and smiled. Thought of her Estee Lauder Youth Dew perfume ,opening the bottle in front of her mirror and smelling deep. Wondered on the medicinal quality of cat tails since they have shown up in a 3 sequence. Cried. Cried some more. Just missed her. Missed them. I feel like I need my people. Bless us. I need them more than ever NOW. Big transformations under way here.  Wondered what it would have been like to have had a mother--to have had HER in my  30s and 40's and...50's. WHAT /WHOin the Universe decides that I will do it without one?  Even as I write this I know she /they have been here.
I remembered her bringing the babies home and how much love that brought to me.  How my whole life I have loved a baby....and so did she.
How I am HER BABY.

1 comment:

Jennifer Walsh said...

Natalie,

I was going thru some old papers last week. I found a stack from my old friend Carol Doughty. We had fallen out of touch. I was her roommate, her freshman year at Indiana University. I looked her up on Facebook. You just can't begin to imagine my shock and sadness when I discovered she had died. I had no idea.

I've read a little of your blog and the Gainesville High School, Class of 1981 page. She was a bright little beacon of light. I found her Facebook page and the photo of her and her daughter on Crescent Beach. We vacationed there in 2010. I had no idea.

I found my stack of papers and pictures from Carol the day after Hillary clinched the Democratic Nomination. It gave me goosebumps to realize that. Carol would have been crazy happy.

How are Bo and Maya doing? How are her parents?

I'm sure it's odd getting a note like this. It was certainly odd finding out an old friend had died via Facebook. I can understand if you think this might not be truthful. I sent you a Facebook friend request, or you can just look at my feed and see the picture of Carol and her family that I posted. It's the picture of them in the hospital when Maya was born. I can also scan the cards and notes I have and send them to you.

Truly, I don't think anyone on our floor in the dorm that year knew. I still keep in touch with several and they did not know.

Tonight, I am just heartbroken. I wish we had stayed in touch, but that was years ago. I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I just felt the need to reach out to someone else that knew her.

Jenny Bushman Walsh