Morning before Spencer and Casey's Wedding

SOOOO much happening in my heart...it is climbing out of my body. Such an odd sensation.

 I went to bed feeling the tugs of sadness I KNEW I would FEEL knowing that I will not be in the Temple to sit in the MOTHER'S chair for Spencer. I was too weary to kneel.  I rocked myself with my leg as the tears kept coming. I knew when I chose other truths that this would be a sacrifice I would have to lay on the altar. My human self just WANTS TO BE THERE!!!!!  My soul yearns for a different world. The moment is now. 

Sacrifice time is here.  

 I prayed for comfort that as I miss the physical witnessing, that my mother heart would be filled with the JOY of the marriage and not fixed on such a small part of what this means for our forever.  I called all the angels and grandmothers and grandfathers and had a little hissy fit and reminded them how REAL I am but I wanna show up my highest self...even in my deepest feelings. 

And then it happened. 

My heart filled with a love so big I don't even know how to write the words. 

First I thought of Enos. I KNEW that the love I was FEELING was like unto his. 

And I knew that I could NOT be excluded. 

I COULD SEE IT!!!! I can see it STILL.

The energy of    MY LOVE         WILL        seep past the exclusion--- and fill not only that chair, but all the chairs, AND the hearts of everyone joined there to participate. My love FILLS  the building AND the miles around the perimeter....ALL THE WAY TO ISTANBUL...into every person's heart...especially  to  all the Mother's everywhere who have taught their sons about the God they know the best they knew and know HOW to do it....

I kept thinking of Enos. 

LOVE IS THE ONLY REAL THING I KNOW!!!!!!

May the pure and  holy parts of  MY LOVE  spread and fill hearts...create a space that  others will look to the exclusions, the separating out, the teachings in Jesus' and  GOD's name,  and WONDER  if there is not ANOTHER WAY???  How can WE all  BE SOOOO LOST??? 

 No walls or chair filled with some other Mother can  keep my LOVE excluded.  A special blessing upon whoever that honored woman may be. I love you for being there.  The human in me longs that it would sit empty as a marker of  different choices.  I know that just because I am his physical mother doesn't mean that many others do not deserve to share that space with me. I welcome, and beg,  ALL who have Mothered him, to continue to HOLD HIM with me. We have a lot of life to live each other through. Our gift as mothers is to keep POURIN OUT THE LOVE!!. I feel SOOOOO much  gratitude for the LOVE  and tending everyone has given my boy. And to the Heavenly MOTHER  who created his soul and trusted his formative soul lessons with ME....My knees and lips are kissing YOUR altar. 

 I woke at 333am ... to be showered with comfort. I googled to remind myself the significance of 333.....The True Meaning of 33 and 333. The number 3 refers to the Trinity, and means that you are receiving divine protection, help, and guidance. In most cases, if you are seeing a lot of 3's, this is anAngel Number sign that you have a close connection to Jesus, the son in the Holy Trinity

Thank you Angels. 

And then my preacher pen pal had sent me this from Barbara Brown Taylor a favorite of both of ours:

 It can happen anywhere, in all kinds of ways. You can get lost on your way home. You can get lost looking for love. You can get lost between jobs. You can get lost looking for God. However it happens, take heart. Others before you have found a way in the wilderness, where there are as many angels as there are wild beasts, and plenty of other lost people too. All it takes is one of them to find you. All it takes is you to find one of them. However it happens, you could do worse than to kneel down and ask a blessing, remembering how many knees have kissed this altar before you.)

Then Grandmother Ellen mothered me in  her Facebook. post...and I remembered:

 I HAVE made an explosion.

 For me, with MY LOVE, there  ARE OTHER WAYS. I don't want a fight song. I am singing a LOVE song.  I will sing it LOUD TONIGHT and TOMORROW and ALWAYS...CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE THIS TIME??? 

OUTSIDE YOUR BUILDING???? I will melt the walls. 

Jesus does. 

My power is turned on. I will be strong. I will sing my song.

I will send a LOVE WAVE that will envelope EVERYONE...ALL OF US together.

And do my part in my humanness to keep singing till we all FEEL as one. 

http://www.nbc.com/americas-got-talent/video/calysta-bevier/3054756

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all…

Summer Solstice

Last night (Father's Day) I got on the lake at dusk. I had Grandad Steadwell's big blue shirt on wrapping me up in his love. He showed me a gorgeous feather on the way  that I picked up and brought in to my desk on my return.

 I was off to be on the water...MY MAGIC PLACE...to tell whoever my Heavenly Parents really are, THANK YOU..I had the sunset to my left and the almost full moon rising over the mountains to my right. I wish you could have been there with me to feel it. It was the BIGGEST moon I remember ever seeing. I sat and breathed in the beauty, the wonder, the GIFT of it all. I could FEEL the thousands of others out there LOVING on the same moon, the same sunset...together, ALONE.

4 white ducks circled me 4 times...we were quiet together...I wondered if I am the duck whisperer :) I wondered if I was counting wrong as I noticed them deliberately circling. 4 ducks..4 times circling and then 4 areas pondering for new intentions in the next 4 months. 4 stars out. 4 lights on in the homes surrounding the lake. 4...4...4444444!

I didn't want to come in. I had paddled to the middle and was just sitting. The Lemongrass was working super well, no mosquitoes. No one was expecting me anywhere for anything. The breeze was as if I had scripted it...I actually laughed out loud and asked "Where is the sound track?" Crickets started chirping on cue and a deep frog croak kept beat.  I swear, I wondered...did that really just happen? Were they already chirping and croaking and I just noticed?????

My life IS MAGICAL. I was taught that the sensations I was feeling are the Spirit of God....this electricity at the top of my head that flickers,  the race up the back of my spine, the warm swelling in my chest, overwhelmed  in love.  I was also taught that if I'm not living the commandments that I can't feel it---that it leaves me, it can't come and stay with me. So something is amiss. Either my personal experience has disproved another doctrine or the Gods continually give me an exception. ?Whatever you are, from wherever you come, THANK YOU.  I am living my choices by these feelings and not by what others say.  I know peace.  Peace is when I take my 4 intentions to the lake, sacred  and scared, not believing I am capable, and in petitioning--- am FILLED with Hope and LOVE and KNOWING that indeed.... I AM.

There is some pretty awesome DUCK TOTEM info out there...I was sad it wouldn't copy and paste...here is just some bits:  LUCKY DUCK...preparation meets opportunity :) Be in the NOW, be in the moment, this is where all your power exists and is available to you. Go with the FLOW...where the waters take you naturally. Be at peace.
Duck Totem:To see a Duck swimming is your connection with the unconscious and emotional body. They are reminding you that by allowing yourself to be vulnerable emotionally – you are freed to move on with your life. You have the ability to blend and adapt to different situations.

Angel numbers are in fact used as tools of communication from higher powers. All thru scripture...just research the number 40..or 7 or 12....

When you are receiving messages through Angel Number 4, the message likely has something to do with support. Number 4 is thought to symbolize stability in numerology. There are many ways to interpret this message, depending on what is relevant to your life.

It is possible that this message has something to do with building a foundation of sorts. Potentially, your angels are trying to tell you that it is time to focus on creating a solid infrastructure for future ventures.

Perhaps this is a sign that you need to take the time developing your skills or knowledge in the workplace. Angel Number 4 could very possibly be a message for you to take the time to really hone in on the area of your life where you want to reap benefits. By dedicating yourself to this realm, you will be setting yourself up to reach your ultimate goals.

If you are at a crossroads, Angel number 4 might be sending you a signal to follow the longer, more challenging road. Don’t take the easy way out. You will have all of the love and support to be successful in this undertaking.

This might seem daunting initially, but know that it will be worth the effort. Taking the time to do things the right way will give you greater success in the future. If it wasn’t the right path for you, then you spiritual guides would not encourage you to pursue it.

I wish I was brave enough to take my phone with me on the water.... this pic was taken after I drug the Kayak in the house. It was a 7 golf ball night ( I found 7 balls in the reeds as I kayaked the edges)...but as I bent over to pull the kayak up out of the water...3 fell back into the murky water leaving me with 4...yep...I GET IT. I HEAR YOU. I'm grateful. I've GOT THIS   :)

Father's Day

When I awoke this morning and the sun was starting to shine I was surprised I had slept so long. And GRATEFUL.  The other surprise were the feelings welled up in my throat and out my eyes. Today is Father's Day. Yes, I am grateful for my Father who gave me life,, and I love him. I came here to learn from his LOVE...and the learning has been DEEP.

But today, this Father's Day, I am flooded with gratitude that my children have THEIR Father. That together we poured out our best LOVE and got to experience the ALL of us. Not worrying about appropriateness and others interpretation, I am going to plow ahead and record MY RECORD of my love and gratitude....for me. For my children. And for Don. EPIC LOVE deserves EPIC GRATITUDE.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to each of you for showing up here on the planet for me, for Dad, for US.

 Have I told you lately HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU...US???  WE ARE.....because Dad made a promise to me...and me to him. We ARE because Dad and I choose to LOVE each other for the eternities....and then could not wait to create the LOVE of YOU xxoox!!!!!   WE ARE such a BEAUTIFUL  creation.   I am grateful for all the life that has brought us to TODAY. Especially the parts that didn't feel so magical and look to others broken. (Wabi Sabi).  I love how the "broken" parts are the ones that have let  their/our  light IN. I don't believe in failure. I believe in growth and transitioning. THANK YOU DON J HARRIS. Because of your love, I am more authentically ME. Because of OUR Love and promises we have our family to share the journey of  forever.  I marvel in awe at each of our new loves and ways of LOVING. I stand incredulous in our light and knowings. THANK YOU  Don for all the love and caring and kindness and unkindnesses--- both directions. Thank you for choosing to live the REAL and the LOVE of US. Thank you for showing me other ways  a parent can Father. . Just THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE the ALL of  US.

With a disdaining smirk I thumb the IRONY of my absolute abhorrence of the Mormon Church's doctrine of Polygamy... (Yea, let's not go there)...Yet, never with a more open or FULL heart, do I JOY in welcoming Marjorie into our family circle. Paradox. Truly, paradox  IS this life's lesson.  The relief and gratitude...literally JOY,  I feel at Don's HAPPINESS in finding her! And then the JOY of Casey and Holly joining us as well...Happy tears xxooxxooxx   And...the anticipation of Father's Day's YET TO COME!!!! And the GOOD  Fathering that will happen as a duplication of  Don J. Harris' example and goodness.  HIS IS OUR LIFE!!! WE CHOOSE THE HAPPY!!! WE CHOOSE THE LOVE!!!

I LOVE the principle of FATHERHOOD.

Amen

6 6 16 and 6 16 16

We signed for the sell of the B's home on 6 6 16. Then...yesterday they signed to buy their new one on 6 16 16...,Not so sure I like 6"S...it is unbelievable the number of things that went sideways...all corrected...but sideways non the less. Numbers, they MEAN things.

I just couldn''t get dressed for Strawberry Days Rodeo till I wrote down some MAGIC from today...the drive along highway 89 up into Harrison BLVD all the way up to Ogden Canyon...the 2 little boys..8 and 6 ish fishing on the pond. Soft serve ice cream at Chick Fillet. The blackbirds protecting their nest on my run. Pretending my water was coffee. Becky calling to check in. Waking up to the smell of my sheets. LOVING that I had no idea who I would meet today...and who new I might end up loving. Review from Rikki on Air B and B. Audio books. Remembering...I LOVE what I choose :)