Thursday, June 30, 2016

Morning before Spencer and Casey's Wedding

SOOOO much happening in my is climbing out of my body. Such an odd sensation.

 I went to bed feeling the tugs of sadness I KNEW I would FEEL knowing that I will not be in the Temple to sit in the MOTHER'S chair for Spencer. I was too weary to kneel.  I rocked myself with my leg as the tears kept coming. I knew when I chose other truths that this would be a sacrifice I would have to lay on the altar. My human self just WANTS TO BE THERE!!!!!  My soul yearns for a different world. The moment is now. 

Sacrifice time is here.  

 I prayed for comfort that as I miss the physical witnessing, that my mother heart would be filled with the JOY of the marriage and not fixed on such a small part of what this means for our forever.  I called all the angels and grandmothers and grandfathers and had a little hissy fit and reminded them how REAL I am but I wanna show up my highest self...even in my deepest feelings. 

And then it happened. 

My heart filled with a love so big I don't even know how to write the words. 

First I thought of Enos. I KNEW that the love I was FEELING was like unto his. 

And I knew that I could NOT be excluded. 

I COULD SEE IT!!!! I can see it STILL.

The energy of    MY LOVE         WILL        seep past the exclusion--- and fill not only that chair, but all the chairs, AND the hearts of everyone joined there to participate. My love FILLS  the building AND the miles around the perimeter....ALL THE WAY TO ISTANBUL...into every person's heart...especially  to  all the Mother's everywhere who have taught their sons about the God they know the best they knew and know HOW to do it....

I kept thinking of Enos. 


May the pure and  holy parts of  MY LOVE  spread and fill hearts...create a space that  others will look to the exclusions, the separating out, the teachings in Jesus' and  GOD's name,  and WONDER  if there is not ANOTHER WAY???  How can WE all  BE SOOOO LOST??? 

 No walls or chair filled with some other Mother can  keep my LOVE excluded.  A special blessing upon whoever that honored woman may be. I love you for being there.  The human in me longs that it would sit empty as a marker of  different choices.  I know that just because I am his physical mother doesn't mean that many others do not deserve to share that space with me. I welcome, and beg,  ALL who have Mothered him, to continue to HOLD HIM with me. We have a lot of life to live each other through. Our gift as mothers is to keep POURIN OUT THE LOVE!!. I feel SOOOOO much  gratitude for the LOVE  and tending everyone has given my boy. And to the Heavenly MOTHER  who created his soul and trusted his formative soul lessons with ME....My knees and lips are kissing YOUR altar. 

 I woke at 333am ... to be showered with comfort. I googled to remind myself the significance of 333.....The True Meaning of 33 and 333. The number 3 refers to the Trinity, and means that you are receiving divine protection, help, and guidance. In most cases, if you are seeing a lot of 3's, this is anAngel Number sign that you have a close connection to Jesus, the son in the Holy Trinity

Thank you Angels. 

And then my preacher pen pal had sent me this from Barbara Brown Taylor a favorite of both of ours:
 It can happen anywhere, in all kinds of ways. You can get lost on your way home. You can get lost looking for love. You can get lost between jobs. You can get lost looking for God. However it happens, take heart. Others before you have found a way in the wilderness, where there are as many angels as there are wild beasts, and plenty of other lost people too. All it takes is one of them to find you. All it takes is you to find one of them. However it happens, you could do worse than to kneel down and ask a blessing, remembering how many knees have kissed this altar before you.)

Then Grandmother Ellen mothered me in  her Facebook. post...and I remembered:

 I HAVE made an explosion.

 For me, with MY LOVE, there  ARE OTHER WAYS. I don't want a fight song. I am singing a LOVE song.  I will sing it LOUD TONIGHT and TOMORROW and ALWAYS...CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE THIS TIME??? 

OUTSIDE YOUR BUILDING???? I will melt the walls. 
Jesus does. 
My power is turned on. I will be strong. I will sing my song.
I will send a LOVE WAVE that will envelope EVERYONE...ALL OF US together.
And do my part in my humanness to keep singing till we all FEEL as one.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe
And all…

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