Sunday, May 19, 2013

19 May 2013 Spencer's Homecoming

I'm GRATEFUL for the birds bursting in song in the dark as my run and morning begins....the reminder they are for me to "consider the lilies of the field".  I am so prone to think WHY are they happy when they know they have another day of WORKING and SURVIVAL ahead of them??-- and from what I can't see or understand, no connecting relationships to make that song worthy? What ARE their relationships? HOW DO THEY FEEL? What are my relationships? How do I FEEL? Grateful, just grateful for the feelings and thoughts that come to me from everywhere.

I'm GRATEFUL for the feelings I had the day Sapphire Cannon was born. I was so relieved for Shannon and Cole and everyone. As I sat in my relief it was literally as if she was speaking to me. She told me how perfect this whole experience was for her and that she carefully CHOSE it for herself! I knew that I too would have chosen those exact loves to come and support me through it. Just as I HAVE CHOSEN those exact LOVES to support ME through my life experience!  I felt awed and wondered at myself that my "imagination" would be so strong. She was born with tumors in her brain and on her heart. She left us yesterday to go back to another place of LOVE....but who would ever doubt that THIS Place of LOVE was less supreme than the one she came from or the one she is in now? I have NEVER thought of THIS life in THAT way. NEVER. I had always thought of the next life as a more supreme dwelling, with much purer LOVE. A quiet, fierce KNOWING is the gift she gave me and I never even got a sniff or a snug of her. Sapphire gave me JOY in  "my knowing"  instead of sadness.

My Facebook love note:
I can hardly take it in . In MY world this loss is unspeakable. Yet, there is this OTHER world that keeps finding cracks in MY world and lets a sweet light through. I had the strangest sensation of peace and LOVE wash over me the day she was born and I felt that SHE FELT that everything was PERFECT for her, and that YOU my loves were part of that complete perfection. I was awed that I would FEEL her so strongly...and even now, as I sit in this news, ASTONISHED at the gift her life has been FOR so removed. LOVE is everywhere in this. How humbled I feel to be apart of such beauty.

I am GRATEFUL for SPENCER. His Homecoming talk was today. He spoke on Humility and emulated his talk. Each of my kids fill such a different space and with such a variety of BEINGNESS. His mission brought him home to me a man of peace and sureness. It feels so good to be in his assured, happy space. I love the dreams he is dreaming and the plans he is planning. He will work at Unita Golf and go to school in fall. Right now he's working with Cole Wharton mowing lawns. I really am not sure what it's going to look like for me when they all REALLY ARE GONE and out of our house creating their own worlds. I breathe deeply and smile as I am old enough now to know that EVERYTHING has only gotten better with time.

I am GRATEFUL that Mike King leaves a week from tomorrow to head back out to TONGA...I will hate to have him gone for 2 years...but HE is thrilled to be going, and I have to love his excitement.

I AM GRATEFUL to Brene Brown. My Sister. Mother. Mentor. My Friend. I am her newest disciple. Look at the shine in her face! What I would give to spend a day with her.  So...DARING GREATLY was off the charts for me...THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION topped even that! I just want EVERYONE to STOP what they are doing and read this woman's light and air---and then CONNECT with me and be vulnerable with me. I WILL live a WHOLEHEARTED LIFE! As I was searching for a pic of her to share and saw this last photo where she had written on her feet...I gasped...for those of you who know I do the SAME thing...pretty funky that we BOTH would do that right???? I LIKE HER SO MUCH!!! I KNEW we were kindred. AND she loves Ann Lamont...AND she dances in her kitchen!!!It makes me sad I didn't find her before now....and also makes me wonder WHO ELSE have I missed that I am dying to love and emulate? COME TO ME!
 Her blog is

I am GRATEFUL for Patrick and Allyse Sedivy and the Do Terra ride I am on. It is kicking my butt and honing my skills and letting me see more of the rough spots "I's got's". I feel frustrated not knowing how to motivate when others aren't motivated by the things that motivate me. The dream and honeymoon of it is over and the work has set in....I LIKE work...but I am seeing that other's ...not so much as me. It is a challenge and a blessing. I love people. I love making a difference. I LOVE learning and growing!

I am GRATEFUL for you SAM. When I hit road blocks and want to be smarter and better and more EVERYTHING so I can succeed I think about you and the frustration you voiced on Mother's Day followed immediately by your "I got this" smile and attitude. I wanna BE like you. We BOTH so HAVE THIS! We are perfectly enough just the way we are. I imagine sometimes you being on the other side of my door knock....I can't help but know that MOST of the people who open the door KNOW they've got someone special there when they see your smile and you make them laugh. You were missed today. You are missed EVERYDAY. I have started a shrine for you above my white board.xxooxxooxxooxx....yes, a MOTHER CAN build a shrine to a living child that is NOT in arms reach! I say so.

Rise and SHOUT! Play and REST! Feel JOY! MISS ME:)
The Momma

1 comment:

kristen said...

Nat. Just clicked on a link to this post, while browsing for something completely unrelated. So crazy!.... but maybe not. This really touched me. To think that Sapphire's little life reached so many people. I miss her so much. Sometimes we just sit and cry over here. Well, most of the time. This was special to read. I love you.