November 30 2013
It is the morning after, and it is still a bizarre, yet
SWEET place for me to sit and get clear about Randy and me… someone I love,
coming to me in his LOVE, and asking me to tell him how I got to this place of
such (in his words)radical change (leaving
the Mormon Church)….and then to have him ask me “what is your INTENTION now…how
will you live?”
The bizarreness to me is my having been ALL of the ME that I
have been-- knowing the pain but mostly happiness of the road I am traveling, --and
yet cautious to swish my finger in his bucket…in ANYONE’s bucket. 50 years of earth life has taught me that
swishing in other people’s buckets rarely produces the desired outcome. What I
think I know can’t be given by a swish or a nod. And what I know for me is very
likely NOT what is true for him, or you. But Randy LOVES me, and he asked…so to ALL who
WANTED to ask, but feared it….to all WHO LOVE me and are worried…and with a
smile—to those just downright curious….I am writing this out for all of us. Yes, me especially.
HOW WILL I LIVE? Or is the question really…HOW WILL I LOVE???
And I can’t help but feel that YOU also have MY same other question-- WHO IS
YOUR GOD/s?
Randy Olsen, YOU are my true friend. Over 30 years of
friendship and “gospel scholarship and sharing” has given us the platform to
even entertain this love exchange. I am
grateful. I love you. I am overwhelmed
at the perfectness of my life and the friends I have accumulated…all of whose
love has strengthened the I AM in me, bringing me to THIS, radically changed place.
These are the exact questions I have asked myself. I take
comfort that you KNOW me. That you have sat in my office and SEEN the plethora
of “prophets” I have sought to aid me in answering these questions. I realize the disappointment in many, that I
would open my mind, life, love and world to these OTHER “philosophies of men”. There is no doubt in my soul or knowing that
I came here to do exactly that. My deepest desires are first to find LOVE and
TRUTH-- and then to wrap myself tightly in the HAPPINESS that that brings. I believe
in an all knowing and all loving God/s--That I was created by them. Therefore,
they above ALL others know when to make my heart burn with knowing and when to
withhold those flames. They know the lessons I have come to experience. They then also know my heart. They know my
intentions. They are the orchestration of who and what I choose and
feel when I ask in earnest desire to KNOW TRUTH and HAPPINESS.
It makes me laugh to
think how transparent we really are to each other. How EVERYONE who knows me
knows I love me a Prophet--- (my definition) ANYONE or WRITING that brings me a
new idea that leads to my greater
happiness and JOY! And yes, maybe even a
tad more, I love me a Prophetess. My female nature resonates with
them more quickly at times. I thrill that I live in an age where women’s voices
and knowings are heard. My being here NOW, is no mistake. And I am slurping up
all I can according to the promptings
and love levels in my being. I have embraced my humanness. I love me. I love
YOU and your humanness and all that it teaches me. I love being HERE with ALL
of you. I am frustrated at my imperfections when they cause pain to others and
myself. I am frustrated at your imperfections when they cause me pain and
others pain. I am learning to dissect
pain in pieces now…to see the guidance and understandings that come to me/us
through it. It turns our heads, our paths, our knowing. It shows us to look for OTHER WAYS. It leds
me to prayers begging that I can love
more perfectly. I have learned
that we each choose our own pain…so MUCH for me to work on here. I am learning
to CHOOSE differently. I am in wonderment at the beauty and love pain can hold
when I look at it in new lights.
To those reading this who choose any form of pain at my leaving
the Mormon church, I ask that you experiment and try holding me/my decision in
new lights until you can see some love and beauty. Maybe you could focus on
just ME and the new peace I feel --and the contentment-- and my new abilities
to lay down the need to control
things/people in my life. SO NOT PERFECT at the last bit, but SO merging into
it!!! I am starting to point it out to
those I love when I abstain from trying to control and just allow J
I laughed when someone I love deeply told me that from what he can see, I am NOT
happier in my new space. Odd isn’t it? How we can get wrapped up in our own
feelings and be oblivious to anothers? I DO IT ALL THE TIME, so I was able to "get it". Something
to think on….my feeling HAPPIER perceived by another as NOT AS HAPPY.
Gratefully I get to EXPERIENCE for ME my CHOOSING and my HAPPINESS J.
Gratitude OOZES from deep within that just as my children
are starting to FLY I am learning to LET GO of so much of what I had been
taught in the name of THIS IS GODS WAY… and allow myself and THEM these NEW
placesJ I
am repenting for the agendas I placed on them and some I placed on you, and for
the mounds I placed on me. I am breathing through our imperfect perfect
decisions which ultimately lead us ALL to greater happiness and a sense of
purpose. I hadn’t understood before how
our IMPERFECTIONS are our PERFECTIONS. (Thank you Brene Brown for the joyous
depths to which you have submerged and
obliterated my expectations). Can I ever repay
my children or YOU—each of you In my life for the optimal teaching you
bring to my soul. I actually have FELT what Brene recently taught me for years…just ask
anyone…are MY CHILDREN PERFECT??? Why, YES THEY ARE!!! And if you are MY FRIEND
do I tell others YOU ARE PERFECT? Why yes I do. I have known this. I have FELT
your perfectness. And I stand behind that even stronger now. The Pearl in this
Oyster? SO AM I!!! I am perfectly
imperfect. And to me…so are youJIf you feel lost in my
poor attempt to explain the awesomeness of the truths Brene so brilliantly
shares , read her books, take her class. And that pretty much blows up all the boxes I
have tried to put around myself for SAFE LIVING AND LOVING. Rule boxes.
Religion boxes. Must do and be boxes. No more boxes with labels THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY. I trust me. I trust you.
So if I blew them up,
do I not believe that the God/s
have rules? Of course I do...and so does the Universe...there is gravity and death and law of the harvest. Yes I do. For ME, I believe
there is ONE. Love. Maybe in another life I will advance
to more. I mean this in all humility. I realize when I hear prophets speak and
see the works of astro physicists, and the businesses my friends have created
that I AM A BABY here amongst true Gods. I am HONORED to share this space with
you. I came with grit and determination
and spunk and tenacity and enthusiasm and HOPE…and I’m gonna catch up J..at least I’m gonna
GET THERE some life. My God/s want my imperfect perfection. If you are rejoicing with me as you read this, lets just
hold each other in our space for a minute. If you are instead inundated with
questions to pelt at me, I ask that you hold them in your space and confirm
your OWN answers to yourself . I have more lifetimes to live until I have experience to field them. I
have also learned that finger swishing in MY BUCKET doesn’t work. If you want
to really connect with me…come to me with YOUR LOVE and patience. Leave your fear of my not knowing what you
know in your space. Trust me. Trust that
I will get it figured out. Trust that my
soul’s desire is to BE a LOVE MAGNET! Bring me your trust in what you know and
your gentleness and kind words. And that will be enough.
From what I’ve
learned so far, MY God/s care about one thing…and that is MY CONNECTION to
them. The connection that allows me personal tutoring into this LOVE THANG I am
so enamored with. Forgive me when I am
slow to embrace it. And I will forgive you. I have this new TRUST in me, and IN EACH of
you. A TRUST that comes from knowing that we are the creations of a God. We are
perfect in our imperfectness…until we aren’t.
I realize that to many people, those I DEEM as Prophets
would seem sacrilegious. Please relax and release yourself from the expectation
that I might expect the same from you.
I do not. Having lived/loved in the space of believing that only certain MEN in
authority have the ability to speak for God-- -, and therefore sometimes for ME…I
UNDERSTAND that space. It didn’t work for me. It was LYING for me to say that
all of THEIR WORDS represented the GOD/s I know , and therefore me. YEARS of my own personal experiences kept
leading me to questions, and MORE questions,
and NOT feeling RIGHT in my heart
about their truths. (Polygamy, Holy Ghost, Church as a business, Patriarchy, stand on gays, missionary rules,
enabling)
The heavens and each
of YOU know that it was MY SEEKING that brought me to this RADCIAL CHANGE. And
that it did not just start 6 years ago. LOTS of THINKING. LOTS OF PRAYING.Trial
and error. Watching the lives around
me. Personal interpretation of YOUR
happiness levels. Happiness and unhappiness. This all brought me straight here.
Now I speak
through my heart and out of my soul with no fear. I allow for
misunderstandings in my knowings. I thrill at how quickly the universe races in
with new light on truths and from whence they come when I have truths to redefine. I am
a masterpiece in progress. It is MY understanding as I look out across
all the worlds on my world, that there are many forms of happiness to
experience. I did not say LEVELS. I wrote forms. I do believe in levels
however…PERSONAL levels, not levels where we could possibly compare ourselves
to one another. There is JOY here for the taking. My rule? MY GOD’S RULE? LOVE!
LOVE BRINGS ME JOY. Practice creating LOVE Natalie. Practice practice practice.
I have learned that those who know how to manage the power of their creation of
happiness are not threatened or fearful or
sad for me being on my own path. They
trust me. They know I am here to get it right. These are the people, the SAINTS,
I seek.
Many people have asked
“can’t you see that the church is changing…yes its slow…but its changing!!! A
woman gave a prayer at conference!!” I
am smiling. Have you EVER known this creation of ME to be snail paced? And OF
COURSE I have asked myself if there isn’t a lesson inTHAT in there for me…there is ALWAYS a lesson there
for ALL of us. But WHO decides my pace? ME…not another person. My truth is my truth NOW…I have not
experienced a God who makes me WAIT…I can live whatever, whenever I am
ready. But I have seen that HUMANS wait.
I have seen that I WAIT until I feel it’s
safe. Love is safety. I waited till I
was so sure of GODS love of me in this new place before I had the courage to
speak it. And to be honest, I made sure I had the love of some friends. Love holds courage. I am loved. I came here to Live/LOVE ME!! I
choose to speak/live /love my truth NOW.
I don’t feel a need to wait. My
happiness is defined by a space where women and men are viewed with the same
respect in my God/s eyes…with the same light, knowledge, powers, opportunities,
education and blessings. My truth does
not use gender or roles to disperse these life elements. Blessings and
enlightenment are not metered out only
or MORE, on the chosen who covenant
to living an obedient, God’s rules only, in the box, life. Remember: I am only speaking
MY TRUTH. These beliefs, practices did NOT WORK for me. In my new WORKING FOR ME space, I have lived/ been LOVED in to a knowing that
life is messy and messy is how we learn. Getting dirty and learning to clean it
off is JOY bringing. Its soul skill building. And some of that dirt I choose to
let linger as a kind remembrance. In MY
space this loving is so PERSONAL. Blessings are poured freely on those in the
arena LOVING in imperfect love. My purest intentions of
goodness are baffled by the inconsistency of things… I am awed at the duality
and paradox in the scriptures, in lives being lived, and in heavenly and earth
teachings. Most of it does not make sense to me. What makes sense? Love and the JOY it brings me.
I am comforted that
if you know me you know to date my greatest life JOYS have been in my
MOTHERING. I will treasure this experience through the eternities. I would not
change a thing about the gift of being able to be home with them till they were
all in elementary school. This is a debt
I could never repay Don. I LOVED that
role. I feel the foundation that role brings to children in their progression.
Living in a day where I have witnessed other women and other ways and their
children, I am fascinated at the transformations of our society. Walls are falling. Pain and transition is
being reshaped into love and beauty. I walked into a space of peace and happiness
for me. I am living/loving my truth. There are those who feel I have missed so much in choosing to embrace
my different truths. I can comfort you with your own current belief of a 1000
year millennium. I have only lived here 50 years. If I have this 1000 years, with a perfectly
imperfect heart, I believe I WILL find my way. My way is happiness and I have
that now.
So love me in my
imperfection and humor me in my path, and smother me with long held hugs. You know how much I love to
be hugged. That is when I get to have glimpses of that other love I’ve been
wrapped in that I WILL learn to create for me full time, every waking second. I know this is also frustrating to some…MY
TRUTH KEEPS CHANGING. I think what you
want to understand is what does MY SPACE LOOK LIKE NOW?? In this space…I have
my own voice with my own God/s who are crazy mad in love with me, who embrace
me and chuckle when I misstep, who assist in turning me in happier directions, who stand at the ready to guide
me when I ask ,and shower me minute by minute with all things that lead me to BEING greater LOVE.
This is were sometimes the energy gets
funky and others think that I think MY WAY is better than theirs, or that I want
others to follow me. I have no desire to
JUDGE anyone for being in THEIR space. I have no desire to judge ANYONE for any
space they are choosing to live in. I believe EVERY SPACE is foundational for the spaces to come. My Mormon foundation
is precious to me. So I lied…I do WANT
you to follow me…I want you to FOLLOW ME ON YOUR PATH to happiness. I want you
to KNOW what that LOOKS and FEELS Like for YOU and for YOU to have the courage
to create it. I know that HAPPINESS
looks so DIFFERENT on almost everyone I meet. AND I’VE BEEN LOOKING!!!!!!! I also know what it looks like and feels like
when there isn’t a lot of Happiness. This is a fascinating study in and of
itself to me. I have “Squirreled”. I am
back now. This was one of my first steps
towards what you regard as my radical change. From the scriptures to RUMI to Kate Braestrup
to Oprah’s super soul Sunday…. I allowed whatever truth worked for me to work
its magic in softening my human fierceness and imperfections. After
spending MUCH TIME in meditation, STUDY and observation, these VERY QUESTIONS have brought me to this
NEW PLACE of radical change as you perceive it.
WHAT IS MY INTENTION?? HOW WILL I LIVE/LOVE?? With the
BESTEST I got in me on the days I’m not too tired. I had to merge that LIVE with LOVE because
they are ONE to me. And WHO IS YOUR GOD?
Most people don’t like when I answer this, I am sorry for the uncomfortable
place I put you in when I give you my true answer, but it is MY current truth,
and it is COMFORTABLE to ME….I DON’T KNOW exactly WHO MY GOD/S are. They are
evolving as I do. But this I know. THEY ARE LOVE and LIGHT and GOODNESS
and KINDNESS and TRUTH and HAPPINESS.
Whoever the Gods of the Old Testament are surely allows me this space…as
whoever THEY were totally morphed into
the new RADICAL PLACE of the New Testament.
I no longer regularly attend the Mormon church and no longer participate in
Temple attendance or church meetings.
No, I don’t miss some
of the people because I SEE THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY…my friendships were never
confined to a building or organization.
How do I feel
congruent about not taking a priesthood blessed sacrament? My God accepts my sacraments
DAILY in my hot tub meditations. Yes he told me so.
How do I dare possibly take responsibility for knocking my
children off of their religious
foundation I gave them? First, I don’t take responsibility for others choices
anymore, even if I was large part of their opinion forming. Second, I am
thrilled that I have given them the foundation that brought me to MY path and I
TRUST THAT THEY WILL BE LED TO/ON THEIRS.
I love my children, they are my life/ LOVE PARTNERS to infinity and
beyond NO MATTER WHAT CHOICES THEY MAKE IN TESTING OUT THEIR POWER OF THEIR
HAPPINESS CREATIONS. They are smarter than me, and will be much and are ALREADY
much quicker life studiers, with a sense of self that I envy.
Yes, I miss the
children in Primary. But you can see how some parents would feel uncomfortable
with me.I will not teach 4 year olds how to count one penny out of a dime and
that they no matter what give that to GODS CHURCH. I will however give them examples of the happiness that
comes to us when we reach out to others .
What about Tithing? I
believe in it. I believe in giving back--10% seems reasonable because I’m human
and left to my own I might think 1 %. But I have lived and loved long enough to
know that the NEED is greater than 1%. Actually, I’m not a fan of magic
numbers. But what I LOVE? Is
participating and knowing when and where
God directs me to give it. I participate with THEM in the love choosing and
giving. I believe that ALL I have and do
and become is of them ANYWAY.
How will I feel when
I am in the waiting room of the temple when my children marry there. HAPPY,
THRILLED! that their lives are on the path THEY CHOOSE!!!
How do you deal with
being “projected” by church members who love you, but some are assigned, and
want you to “find your way back”. Honestly, I’m still human and sometimes exasperated. It s crazy to get
a”love letter” in the mail from someone who has the calling but has NEVER
spoken to you in their life OR has had very superficial conversations with you.
Love is real to me. You can’t pretend it. Not accepting me in my new space is
not loving FOR ME. I get that in other lights they are frustrate that I don’t
Accept their offering as love. A natural
sifting has occurred. But then there is the other side, the duality I cannot
deny. Through the “projecting” I have a front row seat to some of the most pure
intent I have encountered.
I am so human. I live/love imperfectly. I LOVE BEING HUMAN! I love having a participant’s role in this
messy lesson learning field! I am HONORED to live at a time when the earth is
flooded with “prophets and prophetesses “---MASTERS at enlightening the way
through this thick and gooey and sweet and smelly and heavenly and out and out
HELL-- LOVE place. I believe I CHOSE YOU
to be with here
I can SEE my growth.
I can FEEL new depths of love and forgiveness and awareness. I judge less frequently. I can see that I am
not spending enough time enjoying the journey.
This new “radical change” place
has allowed me to have compassion for myself in my imperfections, to step away
from doctrines that do not bring me happiness, to STAND IN MY TRUTH, to
questions my thoughts but NOT my heart, to see others much more kindly, it created a new compassion for you and everyone else that shares my earth
space. Randy, THANK YOU for taking the time to come and be with me and do the
love check in. Your dream was so on purpose. YOU are the vehicle that initiated
this creation. My gas tank is full. I have just written my Declaration of Independence
and my LOVE MANIFESTO wrapped up in one.
THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU BIG….and all the rest of you too…
Won’t it be exciting to SEE where I am next year this
time?????