It's almost not fair for me to write this almost 2 weeks after the fact...or is it MORE fair...what IS FAIR?
Fair is the wrong word. I am letting you know that this sweet place I have come to has been a process. That the lessons and light began AFTER the experience.
I am having gifts showered on my heart. TIME and awakening and grace have altered this original experience to the truth that now lives within me.
SOOOO Loveies...you know how much I wanted to see Sam. I found out the morning I arrived in England that he felt it was better for us not to see each other with the mission rules and his current companion being strictly observant of keeping all rules. AND I hope you know that as a mom I really do love HIM and want to respect him even more than I want to satisfy ME...well, mostly. My human self just gets in the way.
Yep...I had some tears. Ok...maybe some sobbing in the Heathrow Airport bathroom. Sam's text came is as I was sitting on the tarmack waiting to deplane. I was grateful the angry "I hate stupid rules" part of me held till I got to the bathroom-- where I faced SAD HUMAN MOTHER MISSING SON FOR A YEAR. I really hated that I was choosing sadness instead of joying that Sam had the guts to choose himself and what was best for him at the moment. Yep...I knew I had a choice. I thought of both. I appreciated and was even PROUD of him that he had that kind of courage against a force such as I am. Those sobs kept coming. I commanded the angels and the heavens to hasten to that stall...to surround me, to bring me to my highest self and hold me and pour all the grace I have earned over me. I'm going to do that more. It was almost immediate. I swear my whole body got HOT like a hot flash and my head felt cradled and stroked. There weren't any more tears. My heart slowed and filled with contentment...simple, sweet, blessed contentment. t I was grateful that I had about 20 minutes to get myself together before meeting Becky...my flight had come in early...I felt that the very air currents had created this pause for me. I was so grateful.
During the week I was asked MANY times if was hard having him so close and NOT being able to go be with him. I would just pray for comfort. I wasn't sure if his decision was what HE really wanted or what he felt he had to say...the energy I was feeling from him was different from the words sent...but then I had to heart check to see if I was imaging the energy. My imagination is powerful.
During the week this amazing idea materialized ...I was thinking back to Wacky Wednesday days when we studied about the Native American and their coop sticks....they would ride up to an enemy and instead of killing them they would touch them with their stick and ride away. My heart just burst thinking how incredibly brave, and what a show of love and discipline it would be to "touch" Sam somehow without him actually seeing me.
SOOOO...I got ALOT of these FAT post it notes of all colors and wrote I LOVE YOU and other I LOVE YOU BAMMER , SAMMER messages on them. I was going to post them ALL over his door and the walls of his front porch...and leave his package. My last night there, after a last training and class...very late (11:30 pm, another SAM---a ward mission leader our Sam served with) drove me the hour plus to his flat.
His street looked just like Harry Potter's in the dark! Can't wait for Spencer to see it one day.
It was a lock up flat and you had to be rung in. Sam the ward mission leader throws pebbles at a window to get a guy to let us in...he does but then we miss the buzz and couldn't get in. Next he rings a random person and tells them a missionaries mum is outside...they let us in. We creep in...it is a NEW flat and I am so excited that he lives in such a NICE place! Already my heart is relieved. He has this small alcove/mudroom thingee you go through with a door that closed before you get to his real door...maybe 4 feet by feet. We plastered that alcove, left the present, got away safely and back into the car. My heart was proud of me.
Then the car won't start. We spent about 20 minutes fiddling with it. Sam the ward mission leader was convinced the last person to fill it had put in Diesel instead of Petrol. He was NOT HAPPY that we might have fried the motor. My phone was dead. His phone was almost dead. We tried calling his home. There was no gas station in site...he thought if maybe he could flood the engine with the right gas it would start...or something like that? By now its 230 in the morning. No way to call a cab or get assistance. We decide it was best to wake to our Sam and his companion and ask them to assist us or to call a member to come...I stayed in the car so our Sam wouldn't have to see me. OF COURSE I WAS ALMOST LAUGHING to think that I might get to see him!!! The laughter and excitement left in seconds as I felt the energy of what I could not see shift. I felt sick inside. The whole 25 minutes Sam the ward mission leader was gone I got to sit and assess. It really doesn't matter YOUR take on this, I can only imagine what some will think as they read and feel their way through MY take. Here it is. I knew that things were not going well. I prayed. Quickly I came to know that indeed my energy had created the car not starting. I still don't understand the HOW of it. I felt self betrayed...I also felt comforted that the HEAVENS knew my intent. I prayed that whatever was going on, it would settle as SAM would have it...that HE would know no matter what that I loved him and would be JUST FINE. (I had to leave for my flight in just a few hours).
Sam the ward mission leader returns exasperated. The companion would not allow our Sam to even open the door to have a conversation. When Sam asked if they could call someone in the ward the companion replied that everyone in the ward would be sleeping and would NOT be able to help us. When asked if he could call a cab he said he could not. Our Sam finally said through the door how sorry he was that he couldn't open the door. Sam the ward mission leader leaves and comes to join me in the car.
There was more to it...more details aren't necessary/ You can imagine on your own the feelings of all involved. I couldn't understand it just then, but I had an outpouring of love and frustration at that companion.
I had already been given to know that the car would work fine now if Sam would just start it. I told him so. He looked at me like I was crazy. He asked me WHY I would think that and HOW could I know. He apologized but talked around it not wanting to ruin the engine further with any attempts. I asked him to please just start it....and you know the rest...we drove home in the light and knowing of many miracles.
I asked him to text our Sam so he wouldn't be worrying about leaving us stranded...and mostly to calm his heart about how he must be feeling about not being able to open the door.
As we talked about the whole situation on the way home, it became the most beautiful analogy for me and my life.
Sam's mission companion is amazing to have acted in such perfect obedience. Think of his integrity in keeping the rules in the sway of such pressure. What LOVE he holds for all he believes to be right and true. And maybe some fear. How many will count his obedience with honor?...me included. Yet, I call for the parable of the Good Samaritan. Duality children. Duality. This is our life. Here is the rule. Then the parable to make sure you break it at the "right" times. Duality.We must learn to embrace it. The only way I know to embrace it is to LIVE BY OUR HEARTS and not our heads. I heard Mark Nebo say today..."when we keep choosing between right and wrong we spend our energy sorting instead of living...choose from your heart". I believe that. I also believe that our Sam's companion totally choose from his heart. So only love for him can dwell in mine.
Sam the ward mission leader, who also loves the rules, desired an exception in time of need. No matter the knocking or pleading the door was not to be opened. So he left. It would not have proved fruitful to keep knocking. There are OTHER ways. There are always other ways. Sometimes we get caught up in the ways we think would be easiest or make the most sense. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER way. I love that in this case the OTHER way was through the process of my own creation. Acknowledging my own part in the situation, calling on heaven for aid-- another way, and receiving. The heavens are in ALL THINGS...both sides of the duality.
I don't think anyone would fault Sam the ward mission leader for seeking the aid of the missionaries considering the circumstances. Sam the ward mission leader is a "legend" as they put it there.
When the scriptures say that the letter of the law killeth and the spirit of the law maketh it LIVE...what does that mean? It depends on the side of the door you are standing on .
At first I was so SAD for the position I put our Sam in. Time has made me grateful for the entire creation. It has helped me to see that Sam, and all you kids, are standing watching Dad with his real LOVE and in deepest integrity, unable to open the door for me to certain things....and I, wearied at the knocking, have walked away. There are other ways. There are ALWAYS other ways. What those other ways are will manifest as we continue to dance together or apart with our interpretations of the duality.
My heart has to trust-- that you will trust Dad and I, in the LOVE you know each of us to be--in our messiest, yet most earnest, heart and sometimes head choosing selves. Since it worked so well in that bathroom stall in Heathrow airport, I am again, commanding the heavens from my purest love, to flood each of us with peace as you feel the pull of each side of "the door". There IS BEAUTY all around when there is LOVE at HOME...
but whoa...who knew that beauty and love could hold such duality, pain and joy, and crazy dance steps???
I love this life adventure almost as much as I LOVE EACH OF YOU!