Another anonymous letter came in the mail tonight. I am surprised, mentally upended, and taking note: words I shared in my most vulnerable authenticity have touched a place in yet another, to merit the time and effort of it. Whoa. Wow. Breathing. Hmmmmmm….we really do ripple out. I am a mix of rejoicing that I mattered and then heavy to feel that responsibility.
I was not sharing to touch a place of fear and distrust. I did not intend anger or malice. I wrote for those who love me and were confused. I wrote to share my new place of freedom and joy. I wrote to express as Cheryl Strayed put it:
I only felt that in spite of all the things I’d done wrong in getting myself here, I’d done right.
I put on my most courageous armor and laid my heart out for anyone who cared to see it. I knew that many would be sad and disappointed. Please remember to a time when someone YOU loved was sad over your decisions and disappointed in a way you knew they lost respect. I had to keep sweeping off me the feelings of THAT tangible cloak to the floor as I opened up to you …as I bested at showing you who I am. As I instead, chose MY cloak of GRACE. Now I want to share the Anne Lamott quote that rings through me
“I do not understand the story of Grace—only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us” xxxoooxx
I come here to sort my brain and heart. Writing clarifies for me. As the words hit the page my gut leads me --and stops me, begging for a rewrite, a re- FEEL, a different thought that feels more truthful for me,… or pushes me on. Clarifying is an addiction for me. A God given addiction. Now there is something to ponder over a minute. As you know I have.
SEE ME, HEAR ME, LOVE ME. This is my quest for myself. Just as I want and seek to SEE YOU, HEAR YOU, and LOVE YOU. I am imperfect. WE ARE IMPERFECT. One of the letters felt it “opportunistic” for me to “play the imperfection card”. ???
I feel misunderstood. I honestly had NOT seen how I might be being seen from your perspective before. You know I LOVE a new perspective so thank you. I have rolled over many possibilities for what that meant to you. I am going with a light of love: that you trust me. But that your fear must give me the warning--in hopes that I won’t dismiss my frailties or missteps in the name of imperfection and be content with a lesser life because of my accepting them?
Jack Kornfield said this on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday last week and I want the world to feel it :
Fear is the cheapest room of the house, I’d like to see you in better living conditions. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this, right?
I am messy. I mis step. I am also opportunistic.
I get glimpses of my HEAVEN as I continue to seek my quest.
I have not LOST MY FAITH, quite the contrary. My FAITH has never been bigger or more sure. I am sad that because I believe differently now that some may feel so. I am a disciple of MANY.
Another letter made note that “not one mention of His name (Jesus Christ) was found in your ramblings…just an observation and hope it was an unintentional oversight on your part.”
I love Jesus. I mean, I REALLY LOVE HIM. I love him so much that when I feel that others are using His name and His words to preach what my soul feels as untruth-- I choose to step away. Do I understand why my all knowing Father would NEED me to have my BROTHER as a mediator? No. Do I know the power of His Name? YES. Am I his disciple? Absolutely, on my good days.
My desire is still the same…that my LIFE and its fruits will be a testament of GOODNESS and LOVE. That I will get this life more RIGHT this time. That others will FEEL my authenticity and joy when they are with me.
This question is pinging around inside. Will I ever be a big enough girl to hear that others are DISAPPOINTED in me and not have it take me to my knees? IS THAT A GOOD THING?
Grateful as I am—eventually--- for all things that take me to that kneeling place of humility and change seeking, I hate the part of me that enters there with such sadness.
And how do I explain that even though it takes me there, I refuse to stay…and that my getting up and moving on is NOT a show of less love for them or God, but a show of MORE LOVE for me through my GOD? If I was Anne Lamott or Cheryl Strayed through my words you’d know JUST what I’m talking about. I’m not. So take the parts you can get?
When will I feel and honestly give more grace and generosity about the anonymity of it? They do not feel safe with me. Even after I poured out my real feelings. What IS IT that they really feared that kept their connection/identity from me? Is it my imperfect love? Is it their’s? Again. I EMBRACE OUR IMPERFECTIONS and use them as a mirror into my soul.
Love is bizarre. And SWEET. Intentions are confusing. Clear on one thing. Somebodies cared enough about the heart I layed out to be seen, to SEE IT, and HEAR IT. Thank you. LOVING IT is hard even for me some days. But I came here to get it right this trip...I’m asking EVERYONE to pour your best LOVE all over IT— MY HEART... Preferably NOT anonymously? And together, lets wrap this life up in kindness and gentleness and patience and goodness….and FUN…
And with all MY love…a thought from RUMI:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.