Sunday, December 14, 2014
HERE I AM. Whole hearted. Daring Greatly. Here I am. Half hearted. Scared Shitless. Here I am.
And so much more-- all wrapped up inside this stranger body. Some mornings as I look in the mirror there is disbelief. When did the wrinkles and dark circles and cellulite get this prominent? When did I become 51? BAM.. it happened just last night -- when I showed up to a singles UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY with friends. I didn't go in. They did. I happily drove home to my delicious bed. I watched as 30 to 40 year olds streamed in the door of the party. I loved myself. I know I was blatantly insecure. There was peer pressure...go figure :) I knew I had no desire to spend any minutes or hours with 30 to 40 year olds looking for mates.
I am still looking at ME. It can be harsh. Unless its not. I think I want you to put PARADOX on my headstone and no name. I'm serious about this. (paradox definition. A statement that seems contradictory or absurd but is actually valid or true.) My life marker will stand next to the scriptures of all religions and world events and great works of literature, and ALL OF LIFE-- as yet another reminder of the hard reality of Paradox. Not hard as in difficult to understand, but HARD as in firm and FIXED. Although...I must leave PLENTY of room for the "difficult to wrap your brain around" aspect (example: sometimes we must be cruel in order to be kind). I missed it in Mormonism. I failed to deeply assimilate the definition in my English classes. Had brief flits through my brain. I don't remember hearing anyone openly speak about the disparities in the TRUTHS they were taught and seeking to live. I MISSED this BIG OLE HAIRY CHUNK of ALLOWING for most of my adult life. Paradox, How awesome that I didn't miss it NOW.
It was right there in black and white. Hey ...HUMONGO COMMANDMENT: DO NOT KILL. Then...Nephi: go take off Laban's head for a set of records I could recreate with the blink of my heavenly eye. Wait, would GOD DO THAT? Joshua--march around the city 7 times...kill every man woman and child proving your obedience instead of me just swallowing them up in the earth or moving them to another sphere. Wait, DID GOD DO THAT? Someone thought HE did...they wrote it down according to their knowing.
Here I am. I am just writing according to what I think I know. And remember...my knowing is SO SUBJECT TO CHANGE :) I don't know what God did or didn't do. Those examples don't make sense to me. Except for the parts of them that do. :)
I know what I have done. And I am still in the DOING. You are apart of me and therefore part of my doing. I get that from standing to the side of me looking in--you might be confused. I get you want me and hope for me to act as MAGIC MOTHER-- whose love could wield and transform all things. I believe I am MAGIC MOTHER with exactly those powers. I'm just a newbie at it. Unless I'm not? new or old...I'm definitely HERE practicing/experiencing. Begging GRACE from you...and for you, as we walk the path.
Here I am. I am learning paradox. I am learning that in transforming, there are things that must MOVE to put different things in that space. And then there are times when they don't have to MOVE. I want you to know and remember I spent alot of years and counseling attempting to transform by NOT moving. Believing with my whole heart that it was wrong to move. Until I didn't. My movements may not FEEL loving...or even LOOK loving...but I moved in love. I am bumbling my way into a new space. Unless I'm not. I get that there are aspects you want NEVER to change. Me too. Change is a law of the universe. Look at YOU...you grew up..you LEFT me...I HATE IT...but, I LOVE IT. Damn paradox. Blessed paradox. How could I have missed out on loving you as adults with your OWN maturing ideas and life acts that INSPIRE ME? How could I leave behind reading chapter books to bed and Wacky Wednesdays at Salem Pond and snuggle loves?
I'm just doing the best I can. Unless I'm not. I believe I am. The best I know. DID GOD OR DOES GOD EVER SAY THAT? I am just doing the best I can?
I get that my comparing myself to GOD in this moment is absolutely blasphemous to so many I love.
Paradox: Those same beloved believers beg me to BE LIKE HIM...how can I be like him if I don't ask the questions with ME as the target of change to get there?
Maybe someone will see my PARADOX headstone and be quickened in the knowing, hastened in the acceptance, speeded to the allowing. I don't want to wait for my headstone for YOU my lovies to give it pause. Like....right now. Could you think on some Paradox? In your selves? In me? In your faith, in your world?
I'm asking that you love me in my imperfection, and step left of church culture, making space that my imperfections are my perfect path to perfection? That what seems contradictory or absurd, is valid. Possibly true.
Hey...Heavens! Take good notes on me these days. I FEEL you angels tending. Wherever I am going, I don't want to forget HERE. Unless I do. :)
HERE is this glorious Sunday morning watching the light enter my office and the tree reflection start to be visible on my pond. HERE is me with only possibilities dancing around with my soul. Here is MAGIC MOTHER creating love and healing and eternal bonding with ALL she has come to share her space with. Here is MAGIC MOTHER purposefully disconnecting from some she shares her space with. Here is open to all in the world that calls to me. Here is alone in my bed that I don't want to be alone in. Here is in a body at a weight that doesn't feel like ME. Here is deep gratitude for a body that has felt the pains and joys of existence...and created 5 temples for souls to expand...Temples of my greatest learning and expanding. Here is the hurt I made space for in my beloveds, as well as the JOY in me... by choosing me and my heart over their religion. Here is the reality of all my weaknesses standing alone with no partner to balance in strength. Here is me strong standing alone transforming and embracing the real of me. Here is HAPPINESS and JOY.
Here is LOVE. Here is PARADOX.
HERE I AM.