TIRED

Deep deep down I am tired in my soul. I wonder who I REALLY am and what REALLY motivates me. I think I let GrandDad go NOT because I think it was best, but because I am TIRED... and as far as I can see there IS NO best...not even a good solution. Any logical option...actually ANY OPTION that is not him in his own home, will be a personal hell for him. Not that his being in his own home isn't already sometimes a personal hell for him. At 89 I do not expect him to do a 180 and start embracing the love.
What IS competency anyway?
Ok...here goes my brain.. WHAT is my FEAR? My fear is his injuring someone else and my feeling guilty that I didn't prevent it when I KNOW it is a good possiblity. If I get completely honest with myself, I CAN let him go back even knowing that he could hurt himself...I am okay with him hurting himself if it means he is happy until then. I can't decide if that is sick and wrong or not, but it is still the feeling in my gut. I fear his losing all his financial support and my having to work harder so he can be in a place I can feel okay about...but I don't want to work harder. But that's not really real is it? No, we would just sell the farm and that would keep him in a nice place for a few years...and at 89 (in March) there probably aren't too many more years.
I hate that he is alone. BUT HE doesn't hate it...well, at least he prefers alone to PEOPLE.
We are not far away from an accident or incident that will propel OTHERS in making and enforcing a decision.

So, maybe the Wicked Witch of the West LIVES...here...me. I thought I knew what Glenda the good witch would do....but now it just seems like all I can see is the witch parts, with total confusion as what is good and what is bad. I NEED MEDS. Better go get my running shoes on.

So...what happend now that I have ranted...the Doctor here could not release his letter of incompetency to the Canadian Attorneys to enforce the Powere of Attorney until GrandDad signed a release saying it was ok. OF COURSE when you explain that to a man he is NOT going to sign it!!! Yes. I know. It makes NO SENSE. In real estate if I were to have anyone even QUESTIONABLY incompetent sign a doc it would be null and void in a court of law. Anyway. The "CATCH 22" as the hopsital authority put it was surely "Unfortunate". So, the next step? Social workers...we have to build a CASE...get the police involved. Doesn't it seem SICK and WRONG to have to do that when you have 2 competent Dr.s prepared to sign?

I was frustrated and tired. GrandDad was hell bent and ranting. I just kept saying, "GrandDad, you can leave ANYTIME you can go to that phone and make your own arrangements." Jeremy came to help,he was our mediator and protector and he said..'.we need a record/case? Let's help him get the airport shuttle and then he's on his own from there. He won't be able to get a ticket by himself...and then the plan grew. We had it locked up. We would send him, the police would take him, we would refuse him and they would have to admit him and give us our paperwork. We knew Delta had already tagged him as not being able to fly alone after getting lost in Detroit on the way here...and if he chose another airline, surely the sticker we put on the back of his coat with his name and "Dr." Jeremy's phone number would alert them to a possible problem and then airport security could pick him up and deal with him. They would soon be sure to call Jeremy and help us.

Well, the Delta lady DID call...Jeremy explained the whole plan....she decided we are cruel. Jeremy even tried to help her understand why we thought it was MORE cruel to send him home alone with no help. Now we know she doesn't agree with us. She called GrandDad's EX Girlfriend (83)--GrandDad had the number on his 3 X 5 card, and asked her if she would pick him up i London... or he couldn't go home. She, after a month of no GrandDad, either forgot WHY or is just the angel I am not and said YES, I'll pick him up. I explained to Olive that if she would refuse that would keep him here and we would get the help we need. But she just couldn't. May my heart at 83 err on the side of love. I can't fault her for it...for heavens sake she NEVER would have been in that position had I not put her there. And that was that. The horrible snow storm last night? Well, Delta just put GrandDad up in a Hotel until this morning. And I love them for it. As much as it makes me crazy that THE PLAN did not work, I am grateful to know that there are companies who really do go the extra mile in helping the needy.

Olive calls me this morning crying wanting to know when I am going to get there.She is suppose to pick him up at 6:30 pm and they are suppose to have a huge snow storm and she is feeling really uneasy about getting there---she's never been there before, and what if GrandDad is mad at her for telling details that helped us to know he needed help? Silence. That tiredness just pours out all over. It kept pouring and pouring. Finally, I have to concentrate to make my words come out-- I tell her I am NOT coming unless Dr. Donald gives me significant reason to believe that my coming WILL result in a next step with GrandDad. Silence. This time from her side. Oh she says. 'Oh'.
I just can't. Besides, when he got in the shuttle he swore he'd never talk to me or see me again. Now, I know he said that to Olive a month ago...so I am hoping I get pardoned at least as quick...but Olive never threatened to take his agency.
SO, until Dr. Donald gives me significant assurance..... Until then...I am...I am ....I am WHAT?
STILL trying to figure out who I really am and what my real motives are. Still feeling guilty but doggedly working at trying to shake it off by reminding myself of little episodes. STILL have no better idea what is RIGHT.
I just want everyone to have PEACE, LOVE and HAPPINESS....
Can I say that with him gone, even with the worry, our home has this ugly blanket lifted off...so my gut FEELS like at least part of his leaving must be right.
I remember in my early 20's thinking I would be so relieved to GET LIFE better when I was older. I wanted wisdom and understanding. I now think wisdom and understanding are beyond my capabilities. I just want HOPE. Hope that he will be well until he is done, that we will all be well until we are all done. Hey, and when we're done...the party is poolside on my English Estate, bring your boots for the horse riding, and your best jokes for the walk in my gardens, and be thinking of what gift I could give you...because the party favors are going to be fabulous.